Uncomfortable Badger

I mentioned in my last post that I had a counselling session. I won’t go into the details of it all but I will mention that that she did want to speak to my BF about my issues and our relationship in general because despite what he thinks he does have an effect on my anxiety. I told her that he probably would come in and he did but the more I thought about it the more I didn’t want him too.

It made me feel a little uncomfortable knowing that they were talking about me and my problems. He already does this with his friends, family and possibly colleagues and that in itself makes me nervous. Of course I do talk about him also but it is mainly with my mother and a couple of colleagues at work and only when he does something that annoys me but he does it constantly and then he tells me about which doesn’t make me feel any better at all.

He spoke to her on Saturday and he did tell me a little about what they spoke about and nothing of it was anything that I hadn’t spoken to him and her about before but still I was a little unnerved.

Later on however something odd happened that had nothing to do with therapy and my BF. I was on the verge of sleep when my sister came into my room asking for my phone. I am not sure happened but she must of frightened me a little and since my anxiety levels were already high it made me really strange. So strange in fact but from that moment on and all of yesterday I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. I still don’t feel quite right but I hope that it goes away. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and I have a feeling that anxiety and dentist don’t mix.

Song Of The Day

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Blue Badger

I am a little on the blue side today and it is fortunate that I have a counselling session after work today. Last night is what has brought me down a bit. My mother and sister had another screaming match and from my post yesterday we all know that I do like fights and arguing. I was getting more and more anxious in relation to the screaming so I went down stairs and told them to shut up. This of course was the wrong thing to do and say. My mother got offended and told me to never tell her to shut up in her own home. Which got me thinking that it isn’t my home because apparently I cannot voice an objection especially when it is affecting me.

I think they tend to forget about my anxiety disorder. They are treating it more like a temporary illness, like the flu or a cold, and not something that is always there and can be a real issue at times, like last night. My sister doesn’t seem to think at all in relation to it, mainly cause doesn’t see her behaviour as a problem. She has now moved on from blaming her partner for all her issues. She now blames her parents for it all and claims that it them that encouraged her relationship with him in the first place which is total BS as they never wanted her to go out with him in the first place. She also claims that she never did anything wrong in relation to her girls and that she always had healthy meals on the table when in last couple of months that she had them we know for a fact that was not true.

Apparently all my mother said to her and what started the fight that she should put the past behind her, which of course got the song ‘Let it Go’ going through my head (Thank you Disney for Frozen). This is not something that you say to someone with depression I know, but at times I wonder if she actually depressed. Most people that I have known who have suffered from it don’t talk about it and usually won’t mention it at all. They only will when they are ready to seek help or they do something drastic like self-harm or actually commit suicide. My uncle was such a person. We never knew that he suffered from depression because he always seemed happy, I can’t remember him ever being upset at anything. He committed suicide approximately 20 years ago.

My sister, on the other hand, proclaims it for all to hear. She wants everyone to feel the misery that she is feeling and she is doing a bloody good job. She keeps saying that she wants compassion but it is hard to show compassion to someone that constantly abuses you and the hospitality that you have been given. I really don’t know what to do mainly because I don’t know how to talk to her anymore, I don’t think anyone can because she doesn’t listen and refuses any help that she is offered because it is not the help that she wants.

Song Of The Day

Badger On The Fence

I am very non-confrontational. Maybe that is part of my anxiety issues. I don’t like people fighting and I don’t like getting into fights. I also tend to be a bit of a fence sitter with issues especially in relation to my family.

I am Switzerland.

I like to have both sides of the story and I also tend to make up excuses for other people’s behaviour. I guess that comes from my theorising days. Which is endlessly frustrating to my family. They tend to be a bit black and white. There is always a right side and wrong side. My mother is particularly this way. She picks arguments with people and these people usually don’t even know that she is having an argument with them because she doesn’t bother to tell them that she is mad at them. She will tell everyone else though and get angry at you if you don’t agree with her.

This is particularly the case with my sister-in-law, my older brother’s wife. You never know what mood you are going to get her in when you went to visit or if they came over. Sometimes she would be really friendly and nice and talk. Other times she would sit with a frown on her face with her legs crossed and jiggling and not say a word, like she there under duress.

My mother’s most recent argument with my sister-in-law was over $50 worth of American Dollars. The Australian Dollar is not the best so that $50 actually cost closer to $75 dollars in Australian money. The $50 was for my niece for her birthday., which is at the end of July, as they were going to America for a trip in September my mother thought it would be a good gift for her as she would have her own money to spend. When my sister-in-law saw the gift all she was “OK” and my mother was not thanked for the gift at all.

My mother got offended by this as she considered it rude, which it was, but instead of saying something she waited until she got home and then complained to everyone else. She also got angry with my brother as he didn’t say anything. My mother had this weird notion that whenever she has an argument with my sister-in-law that he should take her side instead of his wife’s, even when he is not aware that there is an argument going on. I keep reminding her that he has to live with her.

I think this way of thinking comes from watching too much of Everybody Loves Raymond and also the fact that my step-father never sides with her in anything, even when she is right. I personally thought it was unfair of her to blame my brother for my sister-in-law attitude and told her so which of course she got angry at me. She denounced and disowned then without actually telling them which she also retracted when they returned from their trip.

Song Of The Day

Sporty Badger

It is a public holiday here today where I live. Over the weekend two of our football codes had their grand finals which I guess is comparable to a Super Bowl. We play four different codes of football here in Australia three of them, Rugby League, Rugby Union and Australian Rules are played in winter and last, Soccer, is played in Summer.

I mentioned in an earlier post that when I was younger I followed sport more closely that I do now. The sport that loved and watched regularly was Rugby League. Don’t get me wrong I still love the sport and will watch it if it is on but I will not go out of my way to watch it any more. I had a bad experience after a State of Origin match with an ex of mine and that has turned me a bit off it all especially State of Origin.

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State of Origin is a series of three games played in the middle of the season where the best player are chosen from either New South Wales or Queensland and play against each. The best two out three win the series for that year. Queensland won this year and won 9 out of the last 10 series. I unfortunately go for New South Wales.

My team in the regular competition is the Penrith Panthers and they due to injury issues did not make the final series this year though our under 20’s did and won so congratulations to them. I have been following the Panthers since I was 13 years old and my interest in the team due to the fact that I had a crush on one of the players. He ended up leaving the panthers and going to another club but I stuck with the panthers anyway.

The team that did win this year were the North Queensland Cowboys which is great, they played the Brisbane Broncos, which made it an all Queensland Final. They only won by one point in extra time but a win is a win and this is greatest win of them all. It is their first premiership and only second time they have made the Grand Final. I am really happy that they won especially for Jonathon Thurston who is their best player. He is pretty much the best player playing the game right now and a really nice guy. Oddly enough he was also the reason why I had that bad experience with the ex but I will go into that another time I think.

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The other grand final was the Australia Football final which was between the Hawthorn Hawks and that West Coast Eagles. I am not really big into AFL football and I really don’t have a team but I guess if I did it would be Collingwood Magpies because a lot of my family goes for it and so does my boyfriend. The Hawks won for the third year in a row but then in my opinion the AFL competition isn’t as even as the NRL is. You are more likely to get more multiple premiership wins in a row in the AFL than the NRL. Only a couple of team in the NRL have a chance of not winning the premiership while in the AFL only a couple of teams have a chance of winning.

Song of the Day

Otaku Badger?

Yes, I know Otaku is a Japanese term for geek and essentially it means I and so I a naming this post the same as my previous post but I like to think that Otaku is a little more selective than your run of the mill geek as it their likes are more related to their own cultural fandoms rather than a wider pop culture they admittedly they do intermingle.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otaku

I wouldn’t even say that I am full on Otaku either but I do enjoy anime a lot and I have read some manga. I mentioned in my last post that it was my involvement in Godrics Hollow that lead me to my current enjoyment of anime. Of course I had watched anime before when I was young not realising that it was anime at the time. You know titles like Astro Boy, Kimba the White Lion and Voltron, before or after school television on the ABC when I was growing up.

Godrics Hollow had a member who used an anime character as her character image for her avatar and signature and I was interested in where it was from so I asked her. It was Julia from Cowboy Bebop. She recommended the show thinking that I would like it. Like it I did and Cowboy Bebop is probably my favourite anime of all time.

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From then I would the shelves at the closest Borders to find and buy anime. Streaming was not available in Australia at the time and I then found a DVD hire deliver service called Quickflix and would borrow titles from them and would buy the ones that I enjoyed and would watch again. I stopped using Quickflix but continued to buy titles I found interesting. I also got my niece into as well and it would our thing to do together. That leads me to our show at the moment….Fairy Tail

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I buy the DVD when they are released but we watch it through a streaming service here in Australia called Animelab which is run by one of the main distributors of anime in Australia, Madman. The service is free but you can pay for premium content, which I do. They offer anime in sub and dub versions and have most of Fairy Tail in the dubbed variety which is easier for my niece. It is simulcast as well which means a new episode a week so I am all caught up on the story though my niece isn’t.

I might go into a Fairy Tail and talk about other titles I enjoy at a later time and maybe make some recommendations but I think that that is all for now.

Song of the Day 

Geek Badger

I mentioned yesterday that I would have like to have spent my post talking about my interests instead of the craziness that is my sister. So instead I will do it today. I guess you could say that I am a geek and I wouldn’t take that as an insult at all. My boyfriend called me a geek a couple of weeks ago. Actually he called me a nerd and I corrected him. Nerd is a little more insulting in my mind.

I came late to my geekdom. I was probably more of a tomboy as I liked watching football, listening to music and reading trashy romance novels.  I was then introduced to Harry, through surprisingly enough my sister, she had read the book and thought I would be interested but I dismissed it because it was a kids book. She wanted to see the first movie and I went to see it with her and then I read the book. All over red rover from there.

I got involved in the online Harry Potter community and joined sites like Mugglenet and The Leaky Cauldron mainly theorising and a little Fan Fiction. I joined a smaller site called Godrics Hollow and mainly theorised there as well and I eventually became a moderator. It was also here that I found role play. I started out as a student character but eventually became a Professor and Gryffindor Head of House, that was what my character was and I what I considered myself to be at the time. I also dabbled in signature creation.

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I also started collecting pieces of Harry Potter merchandise and memorabilia. I own a set of robes, Gryffindor but I hope to get a set of Hufflepuff ones as well, scarves, t-shirts, a school jumper, wands (Lupin’s and more recently Harry’s), film cells, action figures, the Scene It Game, Blu Ray box set and of course the books and audiobooks. I have also been to the Harry Potter Exhibition when it was in Sydney, Australia. I would love to also go to the theme parks but for that I will have get by boyfriend on a plane which is not going to be easy.

My love of Potter and my involvement on Godrics Hollow also lead me to another one of my loves which is anime which I think I will leave to another post.

Song of the Day