Goal Setting Badger

 

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This is probably going to be a bit of update/catch all kind of post as there are a few things that I have on my mind or need to get off my chest as apart from my psychologist I have no other outlet that will listen and won’t make me feel bad for my thoughts and/or feelings.

 

First off

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Now that is out of the way on we go. I called this post Goal Setting Badger because I kind of set some goals for myself this year and actually wrote them down. I don’t usually like to set goals for myself as I never keep them but in the diary that I bought for the year there was a section for goal setting so thought that I would put a couple down. They are:

  • Get Married
  • Lose Weight
  • Write More/Start Writing Book

 

Now the first one has been on the cards for a while though if the Eagle doesn’t start helping out more it might not go ahead as money and the fact that most of my family doesn’t think I should marry him anyway and tells me so, my mother on a daily basis, which raises my anxiety and depression levels. He is also not helping himself with his moods and general attitude.

 

The second one is for myself and a little for wedding and I have already begun. I have been exercising since the beginning of the year and I have adjusted my diet so that I am eating approx. 1200 a day. I might not look it but due to my height I am considered obese and I needed to do something about it. So I did. It is working so far but that may change because apparently it my responsibility to make sure that my mother eats properly and with the diet most of my weekly budget goes on the food I need for the week. This of course makes me feel guilty and of course that raises my anxiety and depression levels.

 

Now the last one is all for myself and is probably going to be hardest as finding the time and energy to do so will be a challenge of itself. I would be happy enough to blog a little more actually but writing a book is my ultimate goal/dream for myself. Hopefully this will not cause any anxiety or depression but knowing me I will find a way.

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In the last week and a bit I have done two, well let’s say three things that I haven’t done in a while or never done before. The first one was my birthday present from the Eagle last year, which he bitched about buying because of price and the fact that it was something that he was not interested in himself (I half expected him to pull out actually, luckily I had a backup plan) despite that it was my birthday present and something that I wanted. It was also a bit of a bucket list item for me. It being seeing my current favourite band in concert. That band is Florence and the Machine. It was first concert I have seen in a long time and the first outdoor concert I have attended. I loved it, though admittedly they didn’t play enough songs from the first two albums but I understand why they didn’t.

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The next thing I did was groom a dog and I don’t mean just brushing one. I shaved a dog that was not my own. The Eagle and I bought a electric razor to groom our Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Lady, as she absolutely hates the heat and we have been grooming her ourselves for a couple of months now. My mother happened to tell a lady she knows this and asked that we do her dog as well. The Eagle was not comfortable doing it but mum offered up myself with assistance from her to do it. Luckily we did a pretty good job and  the lady was happy with our efforts.

 

The last and final thing I did was go fishing. It is not something that I do often or even enjoy doing, actually I don’t consider myself to have any of what I call fish sense.  The Eagle and I were invited to go by my sister and her sometimes bf and although the Eagle was not super keen I talked him into it as it was something to do and was inexpensive as the sometime bf was bringing the bait and was paying for lunch. All we had to do was bring some fishing rods, which luckily we had. It ended up being alright despite having no fish sense and the unhealthy lunch (KFC).

 

Oh and I also dyed my hair violet.

Song Of The Day

 

P.S bet you thought it was going to be Florence and the Machine!!
 

 

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A Badger’s Doubt

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For someone that prides herself on being decisive I am starting to doubt myself a little of late and it doesn’t help that these seeds of doubt are being put into my head by my mother and also the actions and/or non-actions of the Eagle. I am naturally talking about my wedding and I am wondering if I should marry him or not.

I am doing everything and though I expected to do all the prep work because he said right from the beginning that it was his job to show up on the day and that was it I was hoping for a little more assistance when it came to the expenses of it all. He did, after all promise that he would help when he could. Hell, my mother and his mother have done more when it comes to the financial side of things than he has, and neither of them have a lot of money either, especially my own mother.

He hasn’t so far. Look I know that he doesn’t have a job and that he is not getting all that much from his government payments but he recently did some jury duty in which he got paid a bit for and in which he promised me a least half of it. I didn’t see any of it and I really could’ve used some of it to pay for some items that I had ordered or was planning on ordering for the wedding.

It is not like he has a huge amount of general expenses. He doesn’t pay rent and though he does have a credit card, a mobile phone and a car he doesn’t have any other expenses as he claims to be living on toast, energy drinks and water, and one of those is free, and whatever he gets fed at my place. I still have to fork out for petrol money for him and I was told this week that I had to buy him a massage ball and a weight as his physiotherapist told him that he need it for his shoulders and back. He is also expecting me to buy him a hoodie when he finds one that is not plain and that is warm enough.

I myself am living on less then what he gets a fortnight from his payments due to my very tight budget and am assisting my mother when I can. He also tends to brag when he helps with expenses that occur that he doesn’t need to contribute too but maybe that is my badger humbleness coming out that I find that a little distasteful.

Maybe its jitters and all now that I have finally finalised my reception area and have the invitations ready and raring to go when the time comes to send them out. I also had a wedding dream last night that got me thinking about it more, especially the hair and make-up side of things that I actually got a quote in relation to it all. The price wasn’t bad but still I have no idea how I am going to pay for it….

 

Song Of The Day

Badger’s New Day

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I have officially moved over to another department of the company I work for. I am still trying to find my feet to an extent mainly because I have not been given any real direction of what I am supposed to be doing here. I am just doing what I can with what I have been given really. Luckily there are few familiar faces so I am probably not as anxious as I could be considering I do not like change all that much.

On the home front my sister is in hospital (again) and the more that she uses the more gets violent. She assaulted her sometimes partner last week so much so that he needed to go to the hospital. My mother and the Eagle are sort of fighting at the moment and of course that puts me in a difficult position as I can see the point from both sides, ever the fence sitter that I am.

I have sorted out my ceremonial music (yay!!) but am still tinkering with reception music, well the entrance, first dance, cake cutting, last dance/departure that kind of thing. Not sure if am going to have a daddy/daughter mother/son dance as well as the Eagle is not a dancer and I am not sure whether or not I want to dance with my step-father or not. Not even sure I want to walk down the aisle with him. Might do a Meghan Markle and walk on my own or have my mother do it. Was considering my Uncle as he is also my god-father but my mother and the Eagle thought that was a silly idea.

Though I thought I had the ceremony/reception worked out I might not have now. My mother says the reception venue is too far away from where the ceremony is. I have done a google check on this and it is only 23 minutes while both my mother and the Eagle say it is around 40. So I have to find a venue that will do the meal the way that I want it closer. Might have found one too but it is a little more expensive and without alcohol but I still have negotiate that. The whole backyard BBQ may still be on the table though, fingers crossed.

My dress and shoes have been ordered along with a tiara. Was not originally going to have one but I liked Meghan Markle’s so much that I decided to find a cheap one that was in a similar style. Have also changed my mind in regards to the bridal party dresses. I have also ordered the ties for two of the groomsmen but am worried as I have not received them as yet despite ordering them quite a while ago. I have contacted the seller 3 times but have not had a response from them. I paid for them through PayPal and also contacted them also in the hope that I get my money back.

Song Of The Day

Relaxed Badger…Well Sort Of

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It has been a week since I  returned from a wonderful trip though admittedly it didn’t happen without some drama both before and after the event. Two days before the cruise we got a called from the cruise liner asking if the mother’s wouldn’t mind giving up their cabins which had a balcony for another. As an incentive to do so we would be given half the cruise price back in ship credit and whatever that was not spent would be refunded back to us with a cheque. My mother agreed to it despite losing the balcony as she had no real money to spend while one the cruise. The Eagle’s mother also agreed to it a first but  chucked a hissy fit after viewing the replacement room claiming it to be too small. The room was bigger than mine and the Eagles and they pretty much had a larger balcony right under the captain’s area if they left the room and turned right.

She spent over an hour on the phone arguing with the cruise liner claiming that while she had told me yes that she had not agreed to it personally to them, as they had also called her and promised to call her back and then didn’t. She eventually left the ship losing her share of half the cruise price and promising to sue them. Apparently she has already given power of attorney to her brother, who is a bit of a conspiracy theorist.

It was probably for the best as I don’t think either my mother or even the Eagle would have enjoyed themselves all that much with her there. I probably wouldn’t have either but not because of her but how the other two were going with her being there.  According to the Eagle he thought that she was trying to find a way to back out of it anyway as she is claustrophobic and agoraphobic and the change gave her a reason to do so without it seeming like that was the real reason though she did inform the cruise liner of those issues when she was on the phone to them. She also pretty much took credit for the cruise in the first place when it was an idea that I put to her and that I fully organised.

Well any who. The cruise was great despite both my mother and the Eagle having sea sickness for the first couple of days, me losing my Fit Bit and tripping over in Sydney and losing the sapphire from my engagement ring. We found the stone however and will get it repaired but alas I am now without my ring. We drank, we ate, we made friends with other travellers and members of the crew in particular a wait staff at dinner and a couple of servers in the café. My mother was particularly taken with one of waiters at dinner. We saw several of the shows and my anxiety and headaches behaved themselves while on board.

Sydney was beautiful, but then it is hard for Sydney not to be, can you tell that I love Sydney. Airlie Beach was really pretty, despite the fact that we could not swim there due to jelly fish and crocodiles. The people were really friendly and my mother got a new hat, which she really didn’t want but needed, and a new pair of shoes, which she actually did need as the ones she were wearing were falling apart. Cairns was wonderful as we caught up with the Eagle’s brother and niece who took us up to Kuranda and Barron Falls. We had a lovely day of site seeing and family time. Port Douglas was a little disappointing as the Eagle didn’t get off the ship and me and mum went to an overpriced Wildlife Habitat that was in the process of being renovated where we fed kangaroos and wallabies and that was about it.

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Mum was sick on the last day which was the rockiest day of the whole trip. We get home only to have my step-father, who was looking after the dogs and the house, proclaim that my dog needs to be ‘put out of her misery’ as she has allergies and bit herself so bad that she has lost a large amount of fur and the area is now infected. He also said that the house stinks but did no cleaning what so ever, did some gardening in which he got his mistress to help who pulled out most of my mother’s plants and then gave her boxes of chocolate that were given to my mother as birthday gifts and used up most of the petrol in my mother’s car and didn’t refuel. Oh and my sister is coming down off what she is on, has been listening to the mistress and is making threats of violence and is once again reverted to name calling that now includes me. She has left though only after we called the police on her once again.

So It back to the grind to me and the stress and anxiety of full-time work  in which I will be moving to another department very shortly though on the good side there are a few familiar faces in the new department, planning a wedding single handily with no money and trying to diet once more despite the last one not really working. Oh the Joy….

Song Of The Day

Cruising Badger

Sea Princess cruise ship

So I am going on holiday next week and it doesn’t involve flying anywhere which is a shame but I will be going on a big boat. That’s right the Badger, the Eagle and also their mothers are going a cruise. I have mentioned it before, I know, but it is finally happening and I am really looking forward to it.

The cruise starts off in Brisbane, then goes down to Sydney before heading up to the Great Barrier Reef and returning to Brisbane. The Eagle has a brother that lives in Cairns so hopefully they will be able to meet up.

 

Cruise

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Things are starting to fall into place on the wedding side of thing though I had a bit of a freak out on Tuesday. The shoes that I planned to get were no longer available on the site I was getting them from. I also couldn’t find them anywhere else except for dodgy stores. I checked again this morning and changed the parameters of my search and found them on the site where all the dresses are coming from.

After stressing out last week about ceremony and reception venue possibilities I think I have finally came up with the locales, which both myself and the Eagle should be happy with. We still have to visit both the park we are getting married in and restaurant that we are having the reception but it is looking good. Still have no idea of where we are getting the money from but maybe, hopefully, fate or good karma or whatever was just waiting until everything fell into place so that it all could be paid.

Song Of The Day

 

 

 

Trapped Badger

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So I attended a wedding yesterday. It was a last minute thing. The Eagle’s best friend’s daughter was the bride and she had a couple of people pull out at the night before and she needed seat fillers. We agreed to go as a favour and also so that I could possibly get ideas myself for our own wedding.

It was a nice wedding. The location was nice and meal was good and I did get a couple of ideas but at the same time it’s doing my head in a bit. The stress and anxiety of all is playing on me really bad that I feel a little trapped, especially inside my own head. I can almost feel like I am going to have a panic attack and start bawling at any moment.

It also doesn’t help that when I run things across other people, in particular my mother, she agrees with me and says that it is a good idea but then turns around and says the opposite to the Eagle. As their wedding was on a Thursday I put it to her to maybe have a weekday wedding as it might end up being cheaper. We worked out an alternate date and everything. The Eagle told me later on that she thought it was a stupid idea.

I also leaning towards a more industrial/warehouse styled wedding as I believe it fits well with the superhero/Joker and Harley Quinn theme but like with every other place or even idea I have come up with just finding the right place has proven to be difficult. Naturally there is nothing in what I consider to be my local area as they are more likely to be closer to or in the city or on the other side of Brisbane. I also kind of a like the idea of a feast/banquet style kind of like how they had meals at Hogwarts. Maybe I am just being a little too picky.

Song Of The Day

Badger The Foodie

Wedding-Advice

 

I am feeling a little down today and it is the wedding that is making me feel this way. It is mainly money and how I am going to pay for it all as I really don’t expect the Eagle to assist. I am also keep on getting fixated on certain aspects. In a previous post it was music, for a while last week it was party favours. I got that one sorted out but I have moved on now to something else.

You would think that I would be obsessing over a venue and to a certain extent I am but it is not so much the venue but the food that is worrying me. In my original idea that was not an issue, at least that was what I thought. It was going to be a backyard reception with a spit and such. A big backyard BBQ. When that fell through I am now looking for affordable venues that have a good menu and that is not easy to find in my opinion.

I guess I am trying to please everyone but myself and I feel like I am doing with that with a lot of things. I guess it is the badger in me looking out for everybody else and though the Eagle does not want anything to do with the preparations it his tastes when it comes to menu items that I am trying to please and that is not good because he is extremely picky and has a rather simple to plain palette.

He won’t eat the following things:

 

  • Pork and any pig product
  • Nuts
  • Shellfish and Salmon

Admittedly I won’t eat the salmon and most shellfish though I will eat prawns but only if they are cooked and a lot of the menus that I have been looking through have at least salmon and pork belly on the menu and I have to rule that out automatically because I know that he won’t eat it and then that leaves other menu items that there might be something in it that he won’t touch. I guess I could just go with a buffet but at the same time it is kind of tacky in my mind and the food is not very fancy.
I am having issues in general of finding a place that is local to us and close to where I would like to have the ceremony. Our current favourite, and only because of price, menu is very simple and bordering on pub grub. Admittedly it is a tavern but I have checked out other taverns in the area and the food is a little more fancy. Also I have no idea what the venue actually looks like as there were no images of the room decked out for any sort of wedding or party.

I guess we have to go with what we can or postpone so that a little more saving can be done. I really don’t want to do that but we might not have a choice.

Song of the Day

 

 

 

Badger Faults

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It might be just a matter of my anxieties showing but lately I have been noticing my faults and failings and this whole wedding thing has shown a light to me of a big one that I have and that is actually asking for help or for anything, for that matter. I think with me this comes back to my childhood where I got it into my head that it was best not to ask for anything because what would be point of asking if you know the answer is going to be NO. It is also why I always wait until someone offers assistance instead of straight out asking. I don’t feel comfortable asking for anything. I makes me feel very uneasy and selfish. I guess this is also my way of not hearing the word NO spoken to me.

This is also led me to maybe being a little closed off and maybe a little too independent though I not sure if that is the right word. I just get it into my head that it is all up to me and that I am the only one that can do it and at times I do get the impression that my loved ones see it that way as well. Maybe it is my ego making an appearance, to a certain extent, but when I was younger and even now sometimes I believe that my family and the Eagle also believes that I am going to save them. From what I do not know but that is what I see and believe.

It is very draining, both mentally and emotionally, and it makes me feel like I have more weight on my shoulders than I need to.

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Speaking of the wedding we officially have one more year to go before the Badger and Eagle wed and nothing much has really happened since my last post. I have gotten the lanterns and I have decided on the wedding favors but I still don’t have a location for the wedding or any idea of how any of this is going to be paid for.

Song of the Day

 

Badger Really All Over The Place!!

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If I was all over the place last time around I definitely am now. My anxiety won’t settle and neither will the headaches. Actually the headaches are becoming a pain in the neck, both literally and figuratively. I am also not sleeping the best which is not helping on iota. The heat is also playing its part..

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The Eagle celebrated a milestone birthday over the weekend and it was another thing that I was anxious about as I was not sure that he would like the gift that he was getting from myself and his mother. It is a cruise and since he is not fond of boats I was a little worried that he would reject it outright. He was pretty okay with it as he said that he needs to loosen up and try new things and we will take the necessary medications and such so that we both will not get sea sick.

We also went out to dinner with friends of ours that night which was a nice change. We don’t get out and do things like that all the much and though we keep saying we need to do it more often we never do. I am always the one that ends up making the arrangements anyway as he just leaves it up to me and the others don’t seem to try.

The Eagle is also considering learning to ride a motorbike which means, and he has admitted to it, that he is heading into a midlife crisis. I am not sure how I feel about that yet as I have mixed feelings about it. His sister is a rider and one of couples that we had dinner with are as well and I think that was the reason why he mentioned it.

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Well the wedding preparations have fallen through a little as we can no longer hold the reception at my brother’s house as he does not believe that his land is flat enough to do it after speaking to a party planner who was doing a party at a neighbouring property. Whether or not this a true is a whole different kettle of fish as my mother, myself and the Eagle tend to think that my sister-in-law might be stirring up trouble because she does that.

Talking of my sister-in-law I had to make a change to bridal party and added her daughter as a bridesmaid. On New Year’s Eve they came over for a BBQ and I showed her the plans that I had made for the wedding. A couple of days later the Eagle got a message from my brother saying that my his daughter was upset because my junior bridesmaid had said that she was my favourite because she was in the wedding party and the other wasn’t. That didn’t sound like her at all and she said that she never said that.

On Australia Day we had another BBQ, though my sister-in-law was not present because she had to work. I spoke with my niece and asked her about it and she said that it never happened and didn’t know anything about that until a few days later when her dad asked her about it. We tend to think that her mother was bitching to my brother and he misunderstood what she said or she deliberately made up the story. Either way I then asked her if she would like to be and she said that she would. After speaking with my mother and Eagle we came up with a way that she could be a bridesmaid without adding another groomsman.

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I have nailed down the processional and recessional songs now and am trying to nail down where we having the wedding since the original idea fell through. The Eagle is a partial to going to the registry office and though it is cheaper I don’t like it. Maybe it will grow one me though.

I have also decided that the bridesmaids will not have bouquets of flowers but hold lanterns instead. The junior bridesmaid will carry two red roses as she will present them to myself and Eagle when the registry is signed. The flower girl will have a posy.

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Song Of The Day

 

Badger, All Over The Place

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So the Eagle did something stupid this morning as I was leaving for work. He told me, a person who he knows has anxiety issues and is prone to stressing un-necessarily, not to stress. This of course has set me off after a week where my anxiety has already been off the charts. He wants to talk to me about something and I know what it is but I am not supposed to stress about it anyway. Stupid Eagle of course I am going to stress and work myself up over it because that is what I do. My depression has also kicked in. I just need a severe headache/migraine to decide to join in to make the Un-Holy trinity that is the Badger at her worse.

My diet is also a little off the wagon at the moment and I am blaming the weather. It has been raining most of the week and we are set to have another system come through over the weekend. It is quite unusual at this time of year. I have to get back on it and especially give up the coffee again as I think that is one of the reason’s my anxiety has rearing its head this week.

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I am a little late, three weeks or so, but we have had our football codes grand finals and we had one true fairy tale and one not so much but could have been. Congratulations to the Richmond Tigers who beat the Adelaide Crows for the AFL premiership. Either way it was going to be emotional for both teams. I was more rooting for the Crows due to the fact that my boss is s Crows fan and they have a rough year last year. Richmond, on the other hand, had not won a premiership in 37 years.

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Now with the Rugby League the talking point before the game was more out the pre-game entertainment while this year was Macklemore. I am not a rap/hip hop fan per say but I do like Macklemore quite a bit. The reason why this is a talking point is at the moment we are having a postal vote on whether or not gay marriage should become legal. Macklemore, a supporter of gay marriage, has a song called Same Love and chose to perform it as part of his show. Those opposed didn’t think a Grand Final should be a place to push for agenda at. He sung the song and it was wonderful, his whole performance was wonderful and he truly looked like he was enjoying himself.

Macklemore

Well back to actual game. This one was between the premiership favourites the Melbourne Storm and the underdogs (no truer words) North Queensland Cowboys. The Cowboys had only just scraped into the finals series as teams that should have won lost. They were missing there star player in Jonathan Thurston who had been out most of the season due to first a calf injury and then a shoulder one. It was very unlikely that the Cowboys were going to win but after four minutes it seemed even less likely as Prop Shaun Fensom broke his leg which meant they were down a player for the rest of the game. Melbourne won easily 34-6. It was a good send off for the star-halfback Cooper Cronk who was leaving the club at the end of the game. He will either retire or join another club in Sydney.

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Wedding preparations have been a little on the quiet side as I have other things on my mind. I have been focused a little on the music side of things and in particular the music at the ceremony.

I had decided that I wanted to walk down to the isle to a song written/performed by an Australian singer/band. It is just trying to find the right one that I am having trouble with.

I keep coming back to INXS’s Never Tear Us Apart, as the Eagle loves INXS and it is a great song, but if go with that one then I want to find an acoustic version of it and by INXS themselves and not a cover. I then flick between trying to find something by Angus and Julia Stone, Kate Miller-Heidke, Sia, Katie Noonan or Bernard Fanning. I then went in another direction and checked out The Temper Traps Sweet Disposition as a lot of people have said that is a good song to use. It just doesn’t suit what I am going for, though to be honest I don’t know what I am going for. I think of Birds of Tokyo and in particular Lanterns but think that is probably more of a recessional song than a processional. I go something truly sappy like Savage Gardens Truly, Madly Deeply, Guy Sebastian’s Angels Brought Me Here or go a little retro with Angry Anderson’s Suddenly.

I am probably overthinking it but that is the Virgo in me and it will probably get worse as it gets closer. If you have any ideas let me know because I would really like some input.

Song Of The Day