The Badger’s Oscar

anxietygirl

So I had a significant birthday and though I was alright with turning this particular age earlier in the year. The week or so before the big day I had major anxiety so much so that I had to go on leave earlier than planned. I was going to go on leave the Friday before my birthday and I ended up going two days earlier.

 

This week is my first week back and though my anxiety was present during my time off it has flared up mightily. Maybe because of decisions made during leave like going and doing some extra study and trying to find a place to rent with my bf, sister and her bf. Yes, I know this is a little on the crazy side and both my bf and I realise this but it is the only way that we are going to be able to afford to move in together and my step-father has been getting a little more verbally abusive towards me of late and it can’t be good for my mental health.

 

The problem is my sister is getting rather demanding. She has given specifications on where we have to live and she is not really taking in consideration anyone else’s need but her own. It has to be in one particular suburb so she can be closer to her kids. I understand that but her other housemates will have requirements as well. I need to have public transport close by and her bf will need a big enough garage or shed to work out of. Luckily my bf is quite easy but then he is probably going to have the biggest issue with living with her especially if she goes off the rails.

 

I went away with the bf over the weekend and though the trip was good I now am feeling majorly tired. I am a reasonably good sleeper so much so that I can fall asleep in most places and though I can fall asleep it is not guaranteed that I will stay asleep or sleep well. The place that we stayed at I did not sleep well especially the second night. I kept on dreaming of my return to work and every time I had a major headache and I could feel the pain of the headache while I was asleep. I also didn’t sleep well the night before going to work. That I think was anxiety.

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So despite my anxiety in relation to the birthday it was a really good day and I got some really good gifts and had a really good party. My Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother came up from Melbourne and despite a friend of the family getting drunk, which is no surprise because she is an alcoholic and our boarder trying to get me drunk I was a good night with good food and good people.

 

My best gift is the one I got from my boyfriend is the statuette form of the Joker/Harley Cover and I call it my Oscar because of the shape and feel and maybe even the size.

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Unsettled Badger

 

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So my anxiety has flared up again in a big bad way over the last week or so.

Maybe it is the weather, it has been cold even for winter in Queensland, which is usually mild.

Maybe my luck wore out and the medication is no longer working.

Maybe it is change, and this is the one I am leaning towards.

I have moved positions at work. I am still pretty much doing the same job with a few extras thrown in but I have physically moved desks and maybe it is that change that has unsettled me. I am answering and working with different people now and maybe I got a little complacent where I was. I am happy about one thing about it though. There was one person in the team I used to work for that was really starting to get on my nerves, actually he gets on everyone in the teams nerves, and I could feel a blow up coming and I am glad I won’t be around to see it or participate in it. I don’t like confrontation after all.

I woke up this morning with another panic attack and of course this had unsettled me even more today. I just can’t seem to calm down and my mind is constantly buzzing and I am twitchy. I joked with my step father a couple of weeks ago that the medication helps me from jumping out the window of my building and today the medication isn’t working and kind of feel that way, I am not suicidal or anything it is just the twitchiness.

Yesterday was my sister-in-law’s 40th birthday and she was not looking forward to it. Mine is next month and I said that I didn’t care but maybe I do care a bit more than I say I do. I just feel that I should be somewhere else in my life instead of where I am but I think there are a lot of people that are that way. I am not going to blame anyone else for the choices that I made however and I going to keep on being the young almost 40 year old that I am.

We are throwing a high tea for her on Saturday afternoon which I have a lot of baking to do for it. I am going to try to make it as gluten-free as possible for her as she tries to eat that way anyway despite not being celiac or gluten intolerant though her son, my nephew, is.

I am still on my DC binge though it exclusively Batman: The Animated Series, I am almost finished season 2. I have finished reading all of Lev Grossman’s Magician books and am now onto Ransom Riggs Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Queensland won the State of Origin two games to one.

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