A Badger’s Doubt

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For someone that prides herself on being decisive I am starting to doubt myself a little of late and it doesn’t help that these seeds of doubt are being put into my head by my mother and also the actions and/or non-actions of the Eagle. I am naturally talking about my wedding and I am wondering if I should marry him or not.

I am doing everything and though I expected to do all the prep work because he said right from the beginning that it was his job to show up on the day and that was it I was hoping for a little more assistance when it came to the expenses of it all. He did, after all promise that he would help when he could. Hell, my mother and his mother have done more when it comes to the financial side of things than he has, and neither of them have a lot of money either, especially my own mother.

He hasn’t so far. Look I know that he doesn’t have a job and that he is not getting all that much from his government payments but he recently did some jury duty in which he got paid a bit for and in which he promised me a least half of it. I didn’t see any of it and I really could’ve used some of it to pay for some items that I had ordered or was planning on ordering for the wedding.

It is not like he has a huge amount of general expenses. He doesn’t pay rent and though he does have a credit card, a mobile phone and a car he doesn’t have any other expenses as he claims to be living on toast, energy drinks and water, and one of those is free, and whatever he gets fed at my place. I still have to fork out for petrol money for him and I was told this week that I had to buy him a massage ball and a weight as his physiotherapist told him that he need it for his shoulders and back. He is also expecting me to buy him a hoodie when he finds one that is not plain and that is warm enough.

I myself am living on less then what he gets a fortnight from his payments due to my very tight budget and am assisting my mother when I can. He also tends to brag when he helps with expenses that occur that he doesn’t need to contribute too but maybe that is my badger humbleness coming out that I find that a little distasteful.

Maybe its jitters and all now that I have finally finalised my reception area and have the invitations ready and raring to go when the time comes to send them out. I also had a wedding dream last night that got me thinking about it more, especially the hair and make-up side of things that I actually got a quote in relation to it all. The price wasn’t bad but still I have no idea how I am going to pay for it….

 

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Badger’s New Day

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I have officially moved over to another department of the company I work for. I am still trying to find my feet to an extent mainly because I have not been given any real direction of what I am supposed to be doing here. I am just doing what I can with what I have been given really. Luckily there are few familiar faces so I am probably not as anxious as I could be considering I do not like change all that much.

On the home front my sister is in hospital (again) and the more that she uses the more gets violent. She assaulted her sometimes partner last week so much so that he needed to go to the hospital. My mother and the Eagle are sort of fighting at the moment and of course that puts me in a difficult position as I can see the point from both sides, ever the fence sitter that I am.

I have sorted out my ceremonial music (yay!!) but am still tinkering with reception music, well the entrance, first dance, cake cutting, last dance/departure that kind of thing. Not sure if am going to have a daddy/daughter mother/son dance as well as the Eagle is not a dancer and I am not sure whether or not I want to dance with my step-father or not. Not even sure I want to walk down the aisle with him. Might do a Meghan Markle and walk on my own or have my mother do it. Was considering my Uncle as he is also my god-father but my mother and the Eagle thought that was a silly idea.

Though I thought I had the ceremony/reception worked out I might not have now. My mother says the reception venue is too far away from where the ceremony is. I have done a google check on this and it is only 23 minutes while both my mother and the Eagle say it is around 40. So I have to find a venue that will do the meal the way that I want it closer. Might have found one too but it is a little more expensive and without alcohol but I still have negotiate that. The whole backyard BBQ may still be on the table though, fingers crossed.

My dress and shoes have been ordered along with a tiara. Was not originally going to have one but I liked Meghan Markle’s so much that I decided to find a cheap one that was in a similar style. Have also changed my mind in regards to the bridal party dresses. I have also ordered the ties for two of the groomsmen but am worried as I have not received them as yet despite ordering them quite a while ago. I have contacted the seller 3 times but have not had a response from them. I paid for them through PayPal and also contacted them also in the hope that I get my money back.

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Badger Really All Over The Place!!

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If I was all over the place last time around I definitely am now. My anxiety won’t settle and neither will the headaches. Actually the headaches are becoming a pain in the neck, both literally and figuratively. I am also not sleeping the best which is not helping on iota. The heat is also playing its part..

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The Eagle celebrated a milestone birthday over the weekend and it was another thing that I was anxious about as I was not sure that he would like the gift that he was getting from myself and his mother. It is a cruise and since he is not fond of boats I was a little worried that he would reject it outright. He was pretty okay with it as he said that he needs to loosen up and try new things and we will take the necessary medications and such so that we both will not get sea sick.

We also went out to dinner with friends of ours that night which was a nice change. We don’t get out and do things like that all the much and though we keep saying we need to do it more often we never do. I am always the one that ends up making the arrangements anyway as he just leaves it up to me and the others don’t seem to try.

The Eagle is also considering learning to ride a motorbike which means, and he has admitted to it, that he is heading into a midlife crisis. I am not sure how I feel about that yet as I have mixed feelings about it. His sister is a rider and one of couples that we had dinner with are as well and I think that was the reason why he mentioned it.

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Well the wedding preparations have fallen through a little as we can no longer hold the reception at my brother’s house as he does not believe that his land is flat enough to do it after speaking to a party planner who was doing a party at a neighbouring property. Whether or not this a true is a whole different kettle of fish as my mother, myself and the Eagle tend to think that my sister-in-law might be stirring up trouble because she does that.

Talking of my sister-in-law I had to make a change to bridal party and added her daughter as a bridesmaid. On New Year’s Eve they came over for a BBQ and I showed her the plans that I had made for the wedding. A couple of days later the Eagle got a message from my brother saying that my his daughter was upset because my junior bridesmaid had said that she was my favourite because she was in the wedding party and the other wasn’t. That didn’t sound like her at all and she said that she never said that.

On Australia Day we had another BBQ, though my sister-in-law was not present because she had to work. I spoke with my niece and asked her about it and she said that it never happened and didn’t know anything about that until a few days later when her dad asked her about it. We tend to think that her mother was bitching to my brother and he misunderstood what she said or she deliberately made up the story. Either way I then asked her if she would like to be and she said that she would. After speaking with my mother and Eagle we came up with a way that she could be a bridesmaid without adding another groomsman.

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I have nailed down the processional and recessional songs now and am trying to nail down where we having the wedding since the original idea fell through. The Eagle is a partial to going to the registry office and though it is cheaper I don’t like it. Maybe it will grow one me though.

I have also decided that the bridesmaids will not have bouquets of flowers but hold lanterns instead. The junior bridesmaid will carry two red roses as she will present them to myself and Eagle when the registry is signed. The flower girl will have a posy.

lanterns example

Song Of The Day

 

Badger, All Over The Place

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So the Eagle did something stupid this morning as I was leaving for work. He told me, a person who he knows has anxiety issues and is prone to stressing un-necessarily, not to stress. This of course has set me off after a week where my anxiety has already been off the charts. He wants to talk to me about something and I know what it is but I am not supposed to stress about it anyway. Stupid Eagle of course I am going to stress and work myself up over it because that is what I do. My depression has also kicked in. I just need a severe headache/migraine to decide to join in to make the Un-Holy trinity that is the Badger at her worse.

My diet is also a little off the wagon at the moment and I am blaming the weather. It has been raining most of the week and we are set to have another system come through over the weekend. It is quite unusual at this time of year. I have to get back on it and especially give up the coffee again as I think that is one of the reason’s my anxiety has rearing its head this week.

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I am a little late, three weeks or so, but we have had our football codes grand finals and we had one true fairy tale and one not so much but could have been. Congratulations to the Richmond Tigers who beat the Adelaide Crows for the AFL premiership. Either way it was going to be emotional for both teams. I was more rooting for the Crows due to the fact that my boss is s Crows fan and they have a rough year last year. Richmond, on the other hand, had not won a premiership in 37 years.

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Now with the Rugby League the talking point before the game was more out the pre-game entertainment while this year was Macklemore. I am not a rap/hip hop fan per say but I do like Macklemore quite a bit. The reason why this is a talking point is at the moment we are having a postal vote on whether or not gay marriage should become legal. Macklemore, a supporter of gay marriage, has a song called Same Love and chose to perform it as part of his show. Those opposed didn’t think a Grand Final should be a place to push for agenda at. He sung the song and it was wonderful, his whole performance was wonderful and he truly looked like he was enjoying himself.

Macklemore

Well back to actual game. This one was between the premiership favourites the Melbourne Storm and the underdogs (no truer words) North Queensland Cowboys. The Cowboys had only just scraped into the finals series as teams that should have won lost. They were missing there star player in Jonathan Thurston who had been out most of the season due to first a calf injury and then a shoulder one. It was very unlikely that the Cowboys were going to win but after four minutes it seemed even less likely as Prop Shaun Fensom broke his leg which meant they were down a player for the rest of the game. Melbourne won easily 34-6. It was a good send off for the star-halfback Cooper Cronk who was leaving the club at the end of the game. He will either retire or join another club in Sydney.

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Wedding preparations have been a little on the quiet side as I have other things on my mind. I have been focused a little on the music side of things and in particular the music at the ceremony.

I had decided that I wanted to walk down to the isle to a song written/performed by an Australian singer/band. It is just trying to find the right one that I am having trouble with.

I keep coming back to INXS’s Never Tear Us Apart, as the Eagle loves INXS and it is a great song, but if go with that one then I want to find an acoustic version of it and by INXS themselves and not a cover. I then flick between trying to find something by Angus and Julia Stone, Kate Miller-Heidke, Sia, Katie Noonan or Bernard Fanning. I then went in another direction and checked out The Temper Traps Sweet Disposition as a lot of people have said that is a good song to use. It just doesn’t suit what I am going for, though to be honest I don’t know what I am going for. I think of Birds of Tokyo and in particular Lanterns but think that is probably more of a recessional song than a processional. I go something truly sappy like Savage Gardens Truly, Madly Deeply, Guy Sebastian’s Angels Brought Me Here or go a little retro with Angry Anderson’s Suddenly.

I am probably overthinking it but that is the Virgo in me and it will probably get worse as it gets closer. If you have any ideas let me know because I would really like some input.

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Badger’s Wedding – The Date is Set

Harley Heart

So me and the Eagle have set a date. From now on I think that is what I will call him when I refer to him in my posts. He is a Ravenclaw after all and his favourite NRL rugby league team is the Manly Sea-Eagles so it is fitting. He goes for divisive football teams, he goes for the Collingwood in AFL. It is weird that he has chosen teams and got sorted into the house with bird emblems because he doesn’t like to fly and doesn’t like heights.

After sitting down and going over the calendar print outs for the next couple of years we come to agreement on this date.

Saturday 9th March 2019

We decided that we didn’t want to get married in Summer or Winter due to the either being too hot or cold though admittedly Brisbane Winters are not all that bad but you never know. So that left Autumn or Spring. We ruled out Autumn of next year because of time and money. We did consider the last couple of months of November because I wanted my one of my nieces, who is born in the first week of November, to be older as she is a Junior Bridesmaid and I wanted her to be a little older when we got married.

So that left 2019 as being the year. April and May are just a little busy due to birthdays and wedding anniversaries already so that left March and Spring. We did consider September but with the lead up to Christmas and another batch of birthdays in October and November, March seemed to be a best option.

Now that we have timeline to work to we or should I say I can start planning. The Eagle has left it all on my shoulders as he believes that the only things he needs to do is ask and then show up. I have been offered help and I have already nailed down most of the wedding party and decided on colours and themes and such. The colours are classic black and white with splashes of red with a bit of a superhero theme as I am Harley and the Eagle is my Joker. The men in the wedding party will all be wearing superhero themed ties with the Eagle wearing a Joker one.

Wedding Ties

We are looking towards having a backyard reception. My eldest brother has an acre lot and we will most likely have the reception there with the ceremony possibly at a local park that has a gazebo and waterfall. I am trying to do with on a strict budget as neither of us have much money.

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