It might be just a matter of my anxieties showing but lately I have been noticing my faults and failings and this whole wedding thing has shown a light to me of a big one that I have and that is actually asking for help or for anything, for that matter. I think with me this comes back to my childhood where I got it into my head that it was best not to ask for anything because what would be point of asking if you know the answer is going to be NO. It is also why I always wait until someone offers assistance instead of straight out asking. I don’t feel comfortable asking for anything. I makes me feel very uneasy and selfish. I guess this is also my way of not hearing the word NO spoken to me.
This is also led me to maybe being a little closed off and maybe a little too independent though I not sure if that is the right word. I just get it into my head that it is all up to me and that I am the only one that can do it and at times I do get the impression that my loved ones see it that way as well. Maybe it is my ego making an appearance, to a certain extent, but when I was younger and even now sometimes I believe that my family and the Eagle also believes that I am going to save them. From what I do not know but that is what I see and believe.
It is very draining, both mentally and emotionally, and it makes me feel like I have more weight on my shoulders than I need to.
Speaking of the wedding we officially have one more year to go before the Badger and Eagle wed and nothing much has really happened since my last post. I have gotten the lanterns and I have decided on the wedding favors but I still don’t have a location for the wedding or any idea of how any of this is going to be paid for.
Song of the Day
I have many faults, I will never ever say that I am perfect because in my mind perfection equals normality and I would never ever want to be called normal. So I cannot be called perfect though I do have perfectionist streak at times, but that is the Virgo in me. I can be lazy and procrastinate a lot and I am absolutely terrible when it comes to money and making decisions when it comes to money. I am probably more selfish than I would like to be also and I am struggling with this quite a bit at the moment but this is probably my anxiety, which I guess is another reason why I am not perfect/normal.
One thing that I am and that has been pointed out and something that I am kind of proud of is that I am decisive. If I say that I am going to do something I will do it though I will think on it for a while before I act. Two things I did over the weekend prove this.
I have stated that I wanted to get a Wonder Woman tattoo and wanted to do it before the movie comes out. I decided this a couple of months after getting my Harley Quinn diamonds tattoo because I did debate on getting a Joker J tattoo. I decided to go with a more feminist bent instead. So I now I had Harley on left wrist/forearm and Wonder Woman on my right. My good and bad sides. I guess this is the selfish decision that I made over the weekend.
The second one is something that is a little selfish I guess because it was for me but it was also for my family and will kick off, hopefully, the renovation of the house for its possible sale. I got my room painted. It was something that I had considered for over a year and me and the bf had gone to Bunnings (a hardware chain here in Australia) a couple of time and got colour swatches. I made a decision to do it two weekends ago and after consultation with family members a colour was decided upon.
We got the paint and other utensils to complete the job on Friday with the intent on doing it over the weekend as it was a long one due to Labour Day. Saturday I was in a lazy mood so me and the bf decided on Sunday as the day with touch ups on Monday if required. Sunday I cleared out the room before my bf arrived as he told me to have it done bright an early and then turned up later than I thought he would, though that is quite typical because as my mother said there was work to be done so naturally he was lazy. He helped move the items of furniture that needed to be moved out and moved the bed to the middle of the room. It was the only piece of furniture that could not be moved.
Myself and he then painted the room with assistance from my 9 year old niece and my sister’s sometime boyfriend. My niece helped as way of distracting her as her guinea pig died the night before and the sometimes boyfriend offered and said that he knew what he was doing though probably didn’t or was too distracted by my sister. He was planning on using the remainder of the paint to do my sisters room though to do that she will need to clean it and that it a challenge in itself.
My room though looks great and I am pleased with the outcome though we will still need to paint the trims and doors as they are still the original creamy colour they were before and that colour really doesn’t work well with the new colour of the walls.
Song of the Day