A Badger’s Doubt


For someone that prides herself on being decisive I am starting to doubt myself a little of late and it doesn’t help that these seeds of doubt are being put into my head by my mother and also the actions and/or non-actions of the Eagle. I am naturally talking about my wedding and I am wondering if I should marry him or not.

I am doing everything and though I expected to do all the prep work because he said right from the beginning that it was his job to show up on the day and that was it I was hoping for a little more assistance when it came to the expenses of it all. He did, after all promise that he would help when he could. Hell, my mother and his mother have done more when it comes to the financial side of things than he has, and neither of them have a lot of money either, especially my own mother.

He hasn’t so far. Look I know that he doesn’t have a job and that he is not getting all that much from his government payments but he recently did some jury duty in which he got paid a bit for and in which he promised me a least half of it. I didn’t see any of it and I really could’ve used some of it to pay for some items that I had ordered or was planning on ordering for the wedding.

It is not like he has a huge amount of general expenses. He doesn’t pay rent and though he does have a credit card, a mobile phone and a car he doesn’t have any other expenses as he claims to be living on toast, energy drinks and water, and one of those is free, and whatever he gets fed at my place. I still have to fork out for petrol money for him and I was told this week that I had to buy him a massage ball and a weight as his physiotherapist told him that he need it for his shoulders and back. He is also expecting me to buy him a hoodie when he finds one that is not plain and that is warm enough.

I myself am living on less then what he gets a fortnight from his payments due to my very tight budget and am assisting my mother when I can. He also tends to brag when he helps with expenses that occur that he doesn’t need to contribute too but maybe that is my badger humbleness coming out that I find that a little distasteful.

Maybe its jitters and all now that I have finally finalised my reception area and have the invitations ready and raring to go when the time comes to send them out. I also had a wedding dream last night that got me thinking about it more, especially the hair and make-up side of things that I actually got a quote in relation to it all. The price wasn’t bad but still I have no idea how I am going to pay for it….


Song Of The Day

Badger’s Wedding – The Date is Set

Harley Heart

So me and the Eagle have set a date. From now on I think that is what I will call him when I refer to him in my posts. He is a Ravenclaw after all and his favourite NRL rugby league team is the Manly Sea-Eagles so it is fitting. He goes for divisive football teams, he goes for the Collingwood in AFL. It is weird that he has chosen teams and got sorted into the house with bird emblems because he doesn’t like to fly and doesn’t like heights.

After sitting down and going over the calendar print outs for the next couple of years we come to agreement on this date.

Saturday 9th March 2019

We decided that we didn’t want to get married in Summer or Winter due to the either being too hot or cold though admittedly Brisbane Winters are not all that bad but you never know. So that left Autumn or Spring. We ruled out Autumn of next year because of time and money. We did consider the last couple of months of November because I wanted my one of my nieces, who is born in the first week of November, to be older as she is a Junior Bridesmaid and I wanted her to be a little older when we got married.

So that left 2019 as being the year. April and May are just a little busy due to birthdays and wedding anniversaries already so that left March and Spring. We did consider September but with the lead up to Christmas and another batch of birthdays in October and November, March seemed to be a best option.

Now that we have timeline to work to we or should I say I can start planning. The Eagle has left it all on my shoulders as he believes that the only things he needs to do is ask and then show up. I have been offered help and I have already nailed down most of the wedding party and decided on colours and themes and such. The colours are classic black and white with splashes of red with a bit of a superhero theme as I am Harley and the Eagle is my Joker. The men in the wedding party will all be wearing superhero themed ties with the Eagle wearing a Joker one.

Wedding Ties

We are looking towards having a backyard reception. My eldest brother has an acre lot and we will most likely have the reception there with the ceremony possibly at a local park that has a gazebo and waterfall. I am trying to do with on a strict budget as neither of us have much money.

Song of the Day


Decisive Badger

I have many faults, I will never ever say that I am perfect because in my mind perfection equals normality and I would never ever want to be called normal. So I cannot be called perfect though I do have perfectionist streak at times, but that is the Virgo in me. I can be lazy and procrastinate a lot and I am absolutely terrible when it comes to money and making decisions when it comes to money. I am probably more selfish than I would like to be also and I am struggling with this quite a bit at the moment but this is probably my anxiety, which I guess is another reason why I am not perfect/normal.

One thing that I am and that has been pointed out and something that I am kind of proud of is that I am decisive. If I say that I am going to do something I will do it though I will think on it for a while before I act. Two things I did over the weekend prove this.

I have stated that I wanted to get a Wonder Woman tattoo and wanted to do it before the movie comes out. I decided this a couple of months after getting my Harley Quinn diamonds tattoo because I did debate on getting a Joker J tattoo. I decided to go with a more feminist bent instead. So I now I had Harley on left wrist/forearm and Wonder Woman on my right. My good and bad sides. I guess this is the selfish decision that I made over the weekend.



The second one is something that is a little selfish I guess because it was for me but it was also for my family and will kick off, hopefully, the renovation of the house for its possible sale. I got my room painted. It was something that I had considered for over a year and me and the bf had gone to Bunnings (a hardware chain here in Australia) a couple of time and got colour swatches. I made a decision to do it two weekends ago and after consultation with family members a colour was decided upon.

We got the paint and other utensils to complete the job on Friday with the intent on doing it over the weekend as it was a long one due to Labour Day. Saturday I was in a lazy mood so me and the bf decided on Sunday as the day with touch ups on Monday if required. Sunday I cleared out the room before my bf arrived as he told me to have it done bright an early and then turned up later than I thought he would, though that is quite typical because as my mother said there was work to be done so naturally he was lazy. He helped move the items of furniture that needed to be moved out and moved the bed to the middle of the room. It was the only piece of furniture that could not be moved.

Myself and he then painted the room with assistance from my 9 year old niece and my sister’s sometime boyfriend. My niece helped as way of distracting her as her guinea pig died the night before and the sometimes boyfriend offered and said that he knew what he was doing though probably didn’t or was too distracted by my sister. He was planning on using the remainder of the paint to do my sisters room though to do that she will need to clean it and that it a challenge in itself.

My room though looks great and I am pleased with the outcome though we will still need to paint the trims and doors as they are still the original creamy colour they were before and that colour really doesn’t work well with the new colour of the walls.

Song of the Day

Stupid, Stupid Badger

The past week I have done some incredibly stupid things that I am regretting doing now which culminated in what will most likely be the most stupid thing that I will most likely ever do yesterday.


My stupidity started out on Tuesday, which was my first mistake considering that I should never make a decision on that day considering my dislike, when I decided to borrow some money in the form of small personal loan. The amount wasn’t that much and I was offered more than double the amount but refused it. I guess that was a small smartness on my part but still it was a stupid thing to do considering that I probably couldn’t afford to do it in the first place. I borrowed the money because of the fact that my TV blew up and I wanted a new one, plus a few bills and a birthday present.


The second mistake and that biggest and most stupid thing that I will most likely ever do in my life occurred yesterday and naturally involved my sister who I have been standing up to a little bit lately. This has been mainly because of my frustration with her and the fact that keeps asking and borrowing my tech and then not returning it in a fashion that I would like, namely not closing down windows and systems she uses and also that fact she sends abusive messages to people using my number.


So my bf I went shopping for the TV and she and my eldest niece came along. We bought the TV from her ex and my nieces father because we knew that he would get us a good deal. After that my sister asked to go to another retailer which offered a good rental plan which meant that you will own what you rented at the end of the rental term. My sister could not apply for it herself because she did not have ID and also she does not have good credit and asked me to do it for her. I agreed to do it under the proviso that she will pay for the repayments using an automatic bank transfer. On top of the computer that she got and the necessary software that she would need we also ended up getting an Apple laptop for my niece because my sister had promised her one and I couldn’t say no to that because it would look bad on me and she also said that she would make payments herself once she got a job.


That was my huge act of stupidity.


I trust my niece to follow through, it is my sister that I don’t because she might follow through initially but I wouldn’t put it past her to back out eventually because her selfishness will eventually arise and she will come to the conclusion that what she needs in the moment out-ways what she owes in the past. In other words she will cancel the payments because when her need for cigarettes and fancy expensive milk will be more important than a computer and promises to her child. We have told her that moment she misses a payment the deal will be cancelled and she has agreed to it but I am too soft hearted and most likely not go ahead with it.


With this rental plan there was a cashback offer as well which I have signed up to receive though I am not counting my chickens with this one as I have gone down this path before and it has not worked. The cash back with this one was 20% of the purchase price which equates to approximately $400 which my sister expects and is planning on buying another computer with it this time for her youngest child who is 8 in preparation of when she goes into high school which is not for a couple more years. She wants her to know how to use Microsoft programs like Word and Excel. Personally I think this is a waste of money. We were originally going to put the money towards the actual plan so that it reduces the length and how much is owed but my sister nixed that in favour of the other. Personally I think that I should get some of it as a kind an assurance  considering I am getting no benefit out of this arrangement at all.


My sister, has however got it in her head that she that cashback includes the interest paid as well which means that the cashback will be over a $1000. Both me and my mother tried to tell her this last night but off course my sister is never wrong and she started going on about how we are stealing from her and we have made some kind of deal to divvy up the money. I also reminded her that I am doing her a favour here and I am putting my credit limit on the line for her but of course that doesn’t matter because in that moment she has what she wants.


She also went to her back-ups of claiming to have a bad childhood and that my mother was a bad parent and called her and myself a bitch and slut which of course that is just projection. She also pinned my mother against a wall and was kicking her as well but admittedly if my mother hadn’t grabbed at her that would not have happened. The whole incident frightened my mother’s dog Winni and has her hiding under my bed. I wish that I had filmed it because it would be proof to my step-father of my sister’s behaviour.


This of course has heightened my anxiety and depression levels and I wish that I could have stayed home today. Actually scratch that it would be a war zone there as both my mother and sister would be there. Maybe being at work is a better option and considering that I have the late today away from home is the best option. Tomorrow is a public holiday and my eldest brother is coming over. Hopefully things will calm down a bit.


Song Of The Day

Shopping Badger

Today at 4:23 PM