So my anxiety has flared up again in a big bad way over the last week or so.
Maybe it is the weather, it has been cold even for winter in Queensland, which is usually mild.
Maybe my luck wore out and the medication is no longer working.
Maybe it is change, and this is the one I am leaning towards.
I have moved positions at work. I am still pretty much doing the same job with a few extras thrown in but I have physically moved desks and maybe it is that change that has unsettled me. I am answering and working with different people now and maybe I got a little complacent where I was. I am happy about one thing about it though. There was one person in the team I used to work for that was really starting to get on my nerves, actually he gets on everyone in the teams nerves, and I could feel a blow up coming and I am glad I won’t be around to see it or participate in it. I don’t like confrontation after all.
I woke up this morning with another panic attack and of course this had unsettled me even more today. I just can’t seem to calm down and my mind is constantly buzzing and I am twitchy. I joked with my step father a couple of weeks ago that the medication helps me from jumping out the window of my building and today the medication isn’t working and kind of feel that way, I am not suicidal or anything it is just the twitchiness.
Yesterday was my sister-in-law’s 40th birthday and she was not looking forward to it. Mine is next month and I said that I didn’t care but maybe I do care a bit more than I say I do. I just feel that I should be somewhere else in my life instead of where I am but I think there are a lot of people that are that way. I am not going to blame anyone else for the choices that I made however and I going to keep on being the young almost 40 year old that I am.
We are throwing a high tea for her on Saturday afternoon which I have a lot of baking to do for it. I am going to try to make it as gluten-free as possible for her as she tries to eat that way anyway despite not being celiac or gluten intolerant though her son, my nephew, is.
I am still on my DC binge though it exclusively Batman: The Animated Series, I am almost finished season 2. I have finished reading all of Lev Grossman’s Magician books and am now onto Ransom Riggs Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Queensland won the State of Origin two games to one.
Song of the Day
Still have not watched the movie though I have watched Deadpool and The Martian and I enjoyed both. Only have a couple of weekends left before my deadline of watching the movie before Dawn of Justice comes out. Still do not want to watch the movie but really want to watch DoJ.
She still has a job so that is great and her moods have been better except for Sundays…
On Sundays she is mopey and does her usual thing of giving everyone dirty looks, crying and mumbling to herself and asking for money for cigarettes because she has run out. She is also asking for money to get to work because she has had a fight with the person that was going to take her the day/night before and now is unable to get to work. She is also asking for a spare GoCard, which is a public transport card here in SE Queensland that allows you to catch any form of public transport and can be continually topped up to pay your fare. All you to do is tag on and off and every tenth fare is free. We used to have a spare one which I think we lent or gave to her at one point and I take it she has lost or gave to someone else (I think we lent it to her when she was with her ex and she gave it to him). Even if we did still have it there would be no money on it anyway so it would be of no help.
Still feeling anxious most days and at times a little blue. My insides are jittery most of the time and I can feel my heart racing. I am using a different form of the medication and I am not sure if it is working. I have noticed that I tire easily though I am not sleeping badly. The tiredness usually comes over me mid-morning and I find it hard to keep my eyes opens as they are really heavy. This is not good for when I am at work as my supervisor noticed on Friday and told me to take an early lunch so that I could get some fresh air. I am not sure if it is medication or the weather, as it has been really hot, or a combination of both. My headaches are also getting more noticeable. Have not had another panic attack and that should count for something.
Now I know that I really don’t talk about him or our relationship all that often but I thought I would say something as there have been a few developments.
We might be going to Japan at the end of the year which for me is really exciting as it somewhere, and the only place in Asia that we both really want to go to, and also because my BF is afraid to fly. I am really confidant about this mainly because he is actually talking about it with family and friends and if he wasn’t keen he wouldn’t mention it at all to other people. I hope it is not a case of talking and no action on his behalf.
The other thing is we might get a place together which I know a lot of people would say is about time as we have been together for about 5 years now. The reason why we haven’t is admittedly mainly because of me and the fact that I am comfortable where I am but considering recent events I need to get out for my own health. Also I do not want to rent and my BF did. I have also relented as I also didn’t want to leave the area that I am in but we will never be able to afford it. I think we are going to look at getting a no-deposit house and land package or something that is the Logan area of SE Queensland that is close to public transport.
Song of the Day
I woke up this morning in the middle of a panic attack. I can tell you it is not the best of feelings and to be honest I still think that I am in the midst of it. My bf actually had the same experience a couple of weeks ago and pretty much didn’t speak for two day after. This feeling is making me awful and I can feel a huge headache coming on and I doubt that I will be going to work today.
I think I will back up a bit and tell you a couple of day and tell you about what has happened during this week that I think that may have contributed to this feeling.
First off my sister went up to Hervey Bay which is a an approximate 4 hour drive from where we are. She then got abandoned there by the friend who took her up there. My her, step father then on Monday after working all day had to drive all the way up there to collect her. She has still then been a bit of a terror doing her usual of accusing people of stealing from, abusing her and calling people names.
My step-father and mother have also been fighting a bit of late mainly due to money and the fact that he will back up my sister no matter what her behaviour is like. He has also begun to use me as a bit of a shield. I usually go to bed really early as I will watch my shows on my iPad or on my TV. If they start to fight he will either call me down or if I have not gone up yet he will ask me to stay in the hope that I will back him up. I really don’t like being put in the middle of their fights especially since I will most likely not be siding with him anyway.
My sister has also been offered a job which is a good thing. My step-father on the other had will not let her take the job as he says that she is not well. That is true, she is not well, but if a person is not well shouldn’t they go and seek some kind of medical assistance. She doesn’t and he doesn’t encourage her to so how is she going to get any better?
Song Of The Day
It is has been a hectic couple of weeks that has been the main reason why I have not posted a lot.
First of my family is back from Hong Kong and my week without them was interesting to say the least. I did not do as planned and watch Supernatural or Flash live due to tiredness and the fact that I totally forgot that we had dinner plans arranged for the night that the Flash aired. I did however watch Arrow live so ‘Yah’.
My anxiety also flared up mightily on the Wednesday so much so that I felt like I was going to have a panic attack while walking my dogs on the Thursday and forced me to have a day off on Friday so that I can go and see my doctor and once again be prescribed medication for it. It is has helped a lot though since being back on it.
My sister behaved herself while they were away and went on a baking spree. She had also decided to give up smoking and went and saw a doctor about it and got medication for it but has yet to fill the prescription for it and so is still begging for money and smokes. She also has to look for jobs and decided that she wants to be a chef. With no tech looking for work is not going to be easy for her which means that is asking to use everyone else’s and that is annoying.
This week has been a busy week in general in relation to work. I have had very little time to think or take a breather. This morning is the only real time that I have been able to breathe a little but once it hits 10 that will end I will be nose to the grindstone once more.
My mother walks the dogs every morning except Tuesdays because she starts work early on that day and I have agreed to walk the dogs on that day for her and then accompany her every second Saturday and Sunday when we don’t have the girls. When we do have them I have to keep an eye on the youngest who is an early riser. Every other day I will go to the gym because I have a membership and have not been able to use it due to timing and the season.
This weekend is supposed to be a scorcher and I am not looking forward to it. I do have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow in which my BF will also be attending but other than that I have nothing planned, not that I like making plans. I want to go swimming but can’t due to issues. I also would love to binge watch Jessica Jones this weekend but doubt that that is going to happen.
I am really hoping that things settle down a little in the lead up to Christmas.
Song Of The Day