I have officially moved over to another department of the company I work for. I am still trying to find my feet to an extent mainly because I have not been given any real direction of what I am supposed to be doing here. I am just doing what I can with what I have been given really. Luckily there are few familiar faces so I am probably not as anxious as I could be considering I do not like change all that much.
On the home front my sister is in hospital (again) and the more that she uses the more gets violent. She assaulted her sometimes partner last week so much so that he needed to go to the hospital. My mother and the Eagle are sort of fighting at the moment and of course that puts me in a difficult position as I can see the point from both sides, ever the fence sitter that I am.
I have sorted out my ceremonial music (yay!!) but am still tinkering with reception music, well the entrance, first dance, cake cutting, last dance/departure that kind of thing. Not sure if am going to have a daddy/daughter mother/son dance as well as the Eagle is not a dancer and I am not sure whether or not I want to dance with my step-father or not. Not even sure I want to walk down the aisle with him. Might do a Meghan Markle and walk on my own or have my mother do it. Was considering my Uncle as he is also my god-father but my mother and the Eagle thought that was a silly idea.
Though I thought I had the ceremony/reception worked out I might not have now. My mother says the reception venue is too far away from where the ceremony is. I have done a google check on this and it is only 23 minutes while both my mother and the Eagle say it is around 40. So I have to find a venue that will do the meal the way that I want it closer. Might have found one too but it is a little more expensive and without alcohol but I still have negotiate that. The whole backyard BBQ may still be on the table though, fingers crossed.
My dress and shoes have been ordered along with a tiara. Was not originally going to have one but I liked Meghan Markle’s so much that I decided to find a cheap one that was in a similar style. Have also changed my mind in regards to the bridal party dresses. I have also ordered the ties for two of the groomsmen but am worried as I have not received them as yet despite ordering them quite a while ago. I have contacted the seller 3 times but have not had a response from them. I paid for them through PayPal and also contacted them also in the hope that I get my money back.
Song Of The Day
So I am going on holiday next week and it doesn’t involve flying anywhere which is a shame but I will be going on a big boat. That’s right the Badger, the Eagle and also their mothers are going a cruise. I have mentioned it before, I know, but it is finally happening and I am really looking forward to it.
The cruise starts off in Brisbane, then goes down to Sydney before heading up to the Great Barrier Reef and returning to Brisbane. The Eagle has a brother that lives in Cairns so hopefully they will be able to meet up.
Things are starting to fall into place on the wedding side of thing though I had a bit of a freak out on Tuesday. The shoes that I planned to get were no longer available on the site I was getting them from. I also couldn’t find them anywhere else except for dodgy stores. I checked again this morning and changed the parameters of my search and found them on the site where all the dresses are coming from.
After stressing out last week about ceremony and reception venue possibilities I think I have finally came up with the locales, which both myself and the Eagle should be happy with. We still have to visit both the park we are getting married in and restaurant that we are having the reception but it is looking good. Still have no idea of where we are getting the money from but maybe, hopefully, fate or good karma or whatever was just waiting until everything fell into place so that it all could be paid.
Song Of The Day
So I attended a wedding yesterday. It was a last minute thing. The Eagle’s best friend’s daughter was the bride and she had a couple of people pull out at the night before and she needed seat fillers. We agreed to go as a favour and also so that I could possibly get ideas myself for our own wedding.
It was a nice wedding. The location was nice and meal was good and I did get a couple of ideas but at the same time it’s doing my head in a bit. The stress and anxiety of all is playing on me really bad that I feel a little trapped, especially inside my own head. I can almost feel like I am going to have a panic attack and start bawling at any moment.
It also doesn’t help that when I run things across other people, in particular my mother, she agrees with me and says that it is a good idea but then turns around and says the opposite to the Eagle. As their wedding was on a Thursday I put it to her to maybe have a weekday wedding as it might end up being cheaper. We worked out an alternate date and everything. The Eagle told me later on that she thought it was a stupid idea.
I also leaning towards a more industrial/warehouse styled wedding as I believe it fits well with the superhero/Joker and Harley Quinn theme but like with every other place or even idea I have come up with just finding the right place has proven to be difficult. Naturally there is nothing in what I consider to be my local area as they are more likely to be closer to or in the city or on the other side of Brisbane. I also kind of a like the idea of a feast/banquet style kind of like how they had meals at Hogwarts. Maybe I am just being a little too picky.
Song Of The Day
I am feeling a little down today and it is the wedding that is making me feel this way. It is mainly money and how I am going to pay for it all as I really don’t expect the Eagle to assist. I am also keep on getting fixated on certain aspects. In a previous post it was music, for a while last week it was party favours. I got that one sorted out but I have moved on now to something else.
You would think that I would be obsessing over a venue and to a certain extent I am but it is not so much the venue but the food that is worrying me. In my original idea that was not an issue, at least that was what I thought. It was going to be a backyard reception with a spit and such. A big backyard BBQ. When that fell through I am now looking for affordable venues that have a good menu and that is not easy to find in my opinion.
I guess I am trying to please everyone but myself and I feel like I am doing with that with a lot of things. I guess it is the badger in me looking out for everybody else and though the Eagle does not want anything to do with the preparations it his tastes when it comes to menu items that I am trying to please and that is not good because he is extremely picky and has a rather simple to plain palette.
He won’t eat the following things:
- Pork and any pig product
- Shellfish and Salmon
Admittedly I won’t eat the salmon and most shellfish though I will eat prawns but only if they are cooked and a lot of the menus that I have been looking through have at least salmon and pork belly on the menu and I have to rule that out automatically because I know that he won’t eat it and then that leaves other menu items that there might be something in it that he won’t touch. I guess I could just go with a buffet but at the same time it is kind of tacky in my mind and the food is not very fancy.
I am having issues in general of finding a place that is local to us and close to where I would like to have the ceremony. Our current favourite, and only because of price, menu is very simple and bordering on pub grub. Admittedly it is a tavern but I have checked out other taverns in the area and the food is a little more fancy. Also I have no idea what the venue actually looks like as there were no images of the room decked out for any sort of wedding or party.
I guess we have to go with what we can or postpone so that a little more saving can be done. I really don’t want to do that but we might not have a choice.
Song of the Day
It might be just a matter of my anxieties showing but lately I have been noticing my faults and failings and this whole wedding thing has shown a light to me of a big one that I have and that is actually asking for help or for anything, for that matter. I think with me this comes back to my childhood where I got it into my head that it was best not to ask for anything because what would be point of asking if you know the answer is going to be NO. It is also why I always wait until someone offers assistance instead of straight out asking. I don’t feel comfortable asking for anything. I makes me feel very uneasy and selfish. I guess this is also my way of not hearing the word NO spoken to me.
This is also led me to maybe being a little closed off and maybe a little too independent though I not sure if that is the right word. I just get it into my head that it is all up to me and that I am the only one that can do it and at times I do get the impression that my loved ones see it that way as well. Maybe it is my ego making an appearance, to a certain extent, but when I was younger and even now sometimes I believe that my family and the Eagle also believes that I am going to save them. From what I do not know but that is what I see and believe.
It is very draining, both mentally and emotionally, and it makes me feel like I have more weight on my shoulders than I need to.
Speaking of the wedding we officially have one more year to go before the Badger and Eagle wed and nothing much has really happened since my last post. I have gotten the lanterns and I have decided on the wedding favors but I still don’t have a location for the wedding or any idea of how any of this is going to be paid for.
Song of the Day
If I was all over the place last time around I definitely am now. My anxiety won’t settle and neither will the headaches. Actually the headaches are becoming a pain in the neck, both literally and figuratively. I am also not sleeping the best which is not helping on iota. The heat is also playing its part..
The Eagle celebrated a milestone birthday over the weekend and it was another thing that I was anxious about as I was not sure that he would like the gift that he was getting from myself and his mother. It is a cruise and since he is not fond of boats I was a little worried that he would reject it outright. He was pretty okay with it as he said that he needs to loosen up and try new things and we will take the necessary medications and such so that we both will not get sea sick.
We also went out to dinner with friends of ours that night which was a nice change. We don’t get out and do things like that all the much and though we keep saying we need to do it more often we never do. I am always the one that ends up making the arrangements anyway as he just leaves it up to me and the others don’t seem to try.
The Eagle is also considering learning to ride a motorbike which means, and he has admitted to it, that he is heading into a midlife crisis. I am not sure how I feel about that yet as I have mixed feelings about it. His sister is a rider and one of couples that we had dinner with are as well and I think that was the reason why he mentioned it.
Well the wedding preparations have fallen through a little as we can no longer hold the reception at my brother’s house as he does not believe that his land is flat enough to do it after speaking to a party planner who was doing a party at a neighbouring property. Whether or not this a true is a whole different kettle of fish as my mother, myself and the Eagle tend to think that my sister-in-law might be stirring up trouble because she does that.
Talking of my sister-in-law I had to make a change to bridal party and added her daughter as a bridesmaid. On New Year’s Eve they came over for a BBQ and I showed her the plans that I had made for the wedding. A couple of days later the Eagle got a message from my brother saying that my his daughter was upset because my junior bridesmaid had said that she was my favourite because she was in the wedding party and the other wasn’t. That didn’t sound like her at all and she said that she never said that.
On Australia Day we had another BBQ, though my sister-in-law was not present because she had to work. I spoke with my niece and asked her about it and she said that it never happened and didn’t know anything about that until a few days later when her dad asked her about it. We tend to think that her mother was bitching to my brother and he misunderstood what she said or she deliberately made up the story. Either way I then asked her if she would like to be and she said that she would. After speaking with my mother and Eagle we came up with a way that she could be a bridesmaid without adding another groomsman.
I have nailed down the processional and recessional songs now and am trying to nail down where we having the wedding since the original idea fell through. The Eagle is a partial to going to the registry office and though it is cheaper I don’t like it. Maybe it will grow one me though.
I have also decided that the bridesmaids will not have bouquets of flowers but hold lanterns instead. The junior bridesmaid will carry two red roses as she will present them to myself and Eagle when the registry is signed. The flower girl will have a posy.
Song Of The Day
So due to my wedding and my doctor instructing me to do so I am now on a diet. I am 10 or so kilo’s overweight according to BMI, though admittedly I do not look it, I have high cholesterol (worrying but controllable) and an iron deficiency.
A couple of years ago I had a personal trainer and a gym membership but I gave that up due to the expense. So when it came to exercise I will admit to being a little lax. I was given a FitBit for my birthday by the Eagle and my mother and I have to admit it is a great motivator, more than the PT and gym membership ever was. Now almost every morning I will get up around 5 am and walk my mother’s dachshund, Winni, and my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Lady. Occasionally my sister’s min-fox x Chihuahua, Steve, will escape and follow us or if I am joined by someone we will take him along.
As for the diet, totally given up coffee and soft-drinks. I really only drink water and the occasional cup of tea and meal replacement shake. I only allow myself bread at the end of the week. I couldn’t give it up completely as I am part Greek and I love my bread. I have oats every weekday morning and Monday and Tuesday for lunch I bring in a bowl of raw vegetables for lunch. I use the FitBit app to keep track on what I am eating.
I weigh myself every day. I used to do it once a week on Friday but I hated the set of scales we had as I seemed to be putting on weight rather than losing it. So I bought a new set of scales and have come to a conclusion that the weight gain was most likely putting on muscle as I have now begun to lose weight. Actually a lot of people in my business unit are on some kind of health kick which is great.
A Wedding Update
My sister-in-law’s to be have offered their assistance with the Eagle’s older sister offering to assist with the decoration side of things as well as make the bouquets. She is really crafty and though I would love to be I am not. I also don’t have the time while I think she does. I have nailed down the Bridesmaid dresses and possibly my own. I just need to finalise my flower girls dress and decide whether or not her twin brother will be a page boy and if I am going to go that far with it all.
We are most likely going to have a jumping castle at the reception as we have the land to do it and it will be fun for the kids and it will keep them occupied. It was the Eagle’s sisters idea and she just happens to have one on hand. She also has a marquee which is also handy.
SONG OF THE DAY
So me and the Eagle have set a date. From now on I think that is what I will call him when I refer to him in my posts. He is a Ravenclaw after all and his favourite NRL rugby league team is the Manly Sea-Eagles so it is fitting. He goes for divisive football teams, he goes for the Collingwood in AFL. It is weird that he has chosen teams and got sorted into the house with bird emblems because he doesn’t like to fly and doesn’t like heights.
After sitting down and going over the calendar print outs for the next couple of years we come to agreement on this date.
Saturday 9th March 2019
We decided that we didn’t want to get married in Summer or Winter due to the either being too hot or cold though admittedly Brisbane Winters are not all that bad but you never know. So that left Autumn or Spring. We ruled out Autumn of next year because of time and money. We did consider the last couple of months of November because I wanted my one of my nieces, who is born in the first week of November, to be older as she is a Junior Bridesmaid and I wanted her to be a little older when we got married.
So that left 2019 as being the year. April and May are just a little busy due to birthdays and wedding anniversaries already so that left March and Spring. We did consider September but with the lead up to Christmas and another batch of birthdays in October and November, March seemed to be a best option.
Now that we have timeline to work to we or should I say I can start planning. The Eagle has left it all on my shoulders as he believes that the only things he needs to do is ask and then show up. I have been offered help and I have already nailed down most of the wedding party and decided on colours and themes and such. The colours are classic black and white with splashes of red with a bit of a superhero theme as I am Harley and the Eagle is my Joker. The men in the wedding party will all be wearing superhero themed ties with the Eagle wearing a Joker one.
We are looking towards having a backyard reception. My eldest brother has an acre lot and we will most likely have the reception there with the ceremony possibly at a local park that has a gazebo and waterfall. I am trying to do with on a strict budget as neither of us have much money.
Song of the Day
So the bf is no longer the bf any longer he is now the fiancé. Being the un-romantic kind he took me and one of my nieces to a local mall told me I had a budget and to choose a ring. I found one, he bought it and I am now an engaged badger.
So I guess you can say that I have added a little more anxiety to the picture as I know have a wedding to arrange though when that will be I have no idea. If I had the money I would want as soon as possible but money is going to be the problem. I have debt on top of debt at the moment and the fiancé no longer has a job as he quit it due to personality clashes and the stress that the job had been bringing him. He also has no idea what he wants to do next and knowing him as I do he will take his time and be lazy about it too.
I guess the other big news is that my sister no longer lives with me. After another stint in hospital she has been released and has got a place of her own or she may be living with people she knows. We are not sure which one as she hasn’t really told us anything. She took her dog and then returned him and says that she is going to collect her stuff. She has also broken into the house twice.
My mother is no longer speaking to my youngest brother due to his wife in one of her fights where her opponent has no idea that they are fighting. Though admittedly he is not making an effort to talk to her so maybe he is more aware than we know. He usually calls her once a week and hasn’t since the dispute occurred. She though does have a good reason for her anger at my brother and sister-in-law.
State of Origin starts tonight and for the first time in a long time it seems that I will have to watch the match. I really don’t want to watch as I was going to start my yearly watch of Cowboy Bebop tonight but the fiancé is coming over to watch the match as he is unable to as he can’t get a signal where he is at the moment. He really needs to move in and with my sister gone he can though I guess with him being unemployed….
Song Of The Day
I mentioned in a previous post that I have been having very vivid dreams. This has continued and though I am not much into dream interpretation, though admittedly I was at one stage during my more hippy/enlightened stage in my late teens early twenties. During this era I dabbled in card reading and such and still pull them out every now and again, though I might go into that at a later date.
Back to the dreams, I still wonder if they have anything to do with the change in medication or my general levels of anxiety. I might have to ask about that the next time I see my doctor or my psychologist. I still don’t remember them fully but I do remember them in one way or another and I will describe two that I have recently that I have placed into categories because I generally have a form of one or the other at least once a week. They are the wedding dream or the sexy dream.
The wedding dream usually has myself getting married and I am also running late with preparations for it. It is rare that I see the person that I am marrying but on a couple of occasions it has been my current partner. In the most recent one I was getting married in the next couple of days but I did not have dress picked out for myself or my attendants. I don’t know why but there was ram shackled house that nobody was living in near where I was living that me and my family would go and look for stuff under the house. I have no idea why we would do this.
On this particular day it was raining and we had no shoes on and me and my family were going down to the house to look under it again despite the fact that I was getting married and still did not have a dress. My 8 year old niece, who was in the wedding party and also did not have a dress, was particularly looking forward to going under the house. We get there and a family is in the house. They were European, maybe German, and we told them what we were doing there and the fact that I was getting married and they offered assistance in that. After that we went looking for dresses and I woke up.
Now the sexy dream happened Sunday night. I was going on some kind of trip with people that were familiar but I am not sure if I actually do know. It was kind of redo of school trip that they had done and were redoing with me tagging along. The trip was to Europe and has some kind of connection to a book/movie series that we were all fans of. The plane was large and roomy and the food was fancy and I was given a meal that was not meant for me. We landed in France first and for some reason I started acting like a coquette with the guys and speaking in a French accent. In Germany I was a little more dominate with the men, which they enjoyed and speaking with a German accent. This went on through each country.
Well that is all for now.
Song Of The Day