This Badger Is Turning Into A Niffler

SHINY THINGS!!

The Ravenclaw has a way to describe my anxiety and my lack of focus. He calls it shiny things as I will be on one route and something will catch my eye and then I will head that way and another if something else catches my eye. Our furbaby Lady is exactly the same way. It is also very niffler like which why I might be a little more niffler than badger these days.

If I am not in niffler mode then I am in what I call zombie mode. Some days the anxiety makes we so tired that I feel like I am walking in my sleep all over the place and it is worse than being in niffler mode, at least in niffler mode I know that I am conscious and am very aware of what I am doing, I am just all over the place. Zombie mode I am not, I feel dopey and like I have been drugged. At this moment I am a niffler but I could very well be a zombie by the end of the day.

*****

Over the last two weekends the Grand Finals of the footy codes have been played and though I watched a little over a quarter of the AFL one I did not watch any of the NRL one. The AFL was between the Richmond Tigers and the Greater Western Sydney Giants. It was the first time that the Giants have appeared the Grand Final and it was no fairy tale. They were smashed by the Tigers.

As for the NRL it came down to Sydney Roosters, going for a back to back win, and the Canberra Raiders, who had not appeared in a Grand Final since 1994. Once again not a fairy tale but it was a very controversial loss for the Raiders.

So congratulations to both the Richmond Tigers and the Sydney Roosters.

 

Song of the Day

 

 

World Building Badger

So all those goals that had set for myself at the beginning of the year have fallen to the wayside. I am no longer getting married this year due to cost. The diet is on hold due to the wedding being off, the cost and also the fact that is winter and it is so much easier to lose weight when it is warmer. That leaves my last goal…To write more.

Work pressures and my health both physically and mentally are partially playing havoc with this but I am still thinking about it and trying to get stuff down. I am not role-playing at the moment but that is mainly because the site I was playing on has slowed down so I am trying to get the ideas that I have been toying with down and working on ways that they can fit together.

There is a problem, however, and that it that I have the characters but not the world itself. I guess when you come from a role playing background you are given the world and it is the character you are playing that you work into the world. I am in reverse at the moment and there is just so much to think about. Is it based on earth as an alternate reality or dystopian future, or a totally new world?

I then start to try to work the ideas I into the above choices and though I think it might be easier to work with a world based on earth the characters and their traits seem to work better with a made up world. The thought of creating a world from scratch terrifies me. Then, me being me, I start making things more complicated by adding elements that I think make it more interesting but in fact makes it more confusing. Then I wonder which audience I am aiming this at a YA or adult. I then worry about plagiarism and I haven’t even started writing yet.

As you can see I am letting my anxiety get the best of me.

Song Of The Day

Goal Setting Badger

 

This is probably going to be a bit of update/catch all kind of post as there are a few things that I have on my mind or need to get off my chest as apart from my psychologist I have no other outlet that will listen and won’t make me feel bad for my thoughts and/or feelings.

 

First off

 

Now that is out of the way on we go. I called this post Goal Setting Badger because I kind of set some goals for myself this year and actually wrote them down. I don’t usually like to set goals for myself as I never keep them but in the diary that I bought for the year there was a section for goal setting so thought that I would put a couple down. They are:

• Get Married
• Lose Weight
• Write More/Start Writing Book

 

Now the first one has been on the cards for a while though if the Eagle doesn’t start helping out more it might not go ahead as money and the fact that most of my family doesn’t think I should marry him anyway and tells me so, my mother on a daily basis, which raises my anxiety and depression levels. He is also not helping himself with his moods and general attitude.

 

The second one is for myself and a little for wedding and I have already begun. I have been exercising since the beginning of the year and I have adjusted my diet so that I am eating approx. 1200 a day. I might not look it but due to my height I am considered obese and I needed to do something about it. So I did. It is working so far but that may change because apparently it my responsibility to make sure that my mother eats properly and with the diet most of my weekly budget goes on the food I need for the week. This of course makes me feel guilty and of course that raises my anxiety and depression levels.

 

Now the last one is all for myself and is probably going to be hardest as finding the time and energy to do so will be a challenge of itself. I would be happy enough to blog a little more actually but writing a book is my ultimate goal/dream for myself. Hopefully this will not cause any anxiety or depression but knowing me I will find a way.

******

In the last week and a bit I have done two, well let’s say three things that I haven’t done in a while or never done before. The first one was my birthday present from the Eagle last year, which he bitched about buying because of price and the fact that it was something that he was not interested in himself (I half expected him to pull out actually, luckily I had a backup plan) despite that it was my birthday present and something that I wanted. It was also a bit of a bucket list item for me. It being seeing my current favourite band in concert. That band is Florence and the Machine. It was first concert I have seen in a long time and the first outdoor concert I have attended. I loved it, though admittedly they didn’t play enough songs from the first two albums but I understand why they didn’t.

The next thing I did was groom a dog and I don’t mean just brushing one. I shaved a dog that was not my own. The Eagle and I bought a electric razor to groom our Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Lady, as she absolutely hates the heat and we have been grooming her ourselves for a couple of months now. My mother happened to tell a lady she knows this and asked that we do her dog as well. The Eagle was not comfortable doing it but mum offered up myself with assistance from her to do it. Luckily we did a pretty good job and  the lady was happy with our efforts.

 

The last and final thing I did was go fishing. It is not something that I do often or even enjoy doing, actually I don’t consider myself to have any of what I call fish sense.  The Eagle and I were invited to go by my sister and her sometimes bf and although the Eagle was not super keen I talked him into it as it was something to do and was inexpensive as the sometime bf was bringing the bait and was paying for lunch. All we had to do was bring some fishing rods, which luckily we had. It ended up being alright despite having no fish sense and the unhealthy lunch (KFC).

 

Oh and I also dyed my hair violet.

Song Of The Day

 

P.S bet you thought it was going to be Florence and the Machine!!
 

 

The Badger Favourite Things – Movies

I have been thinking about this for a while now. Listing things that make me happy, think, laugh or cry or all of those things. They are positives when my depression or anxiety gets the better of me. They mean something to mean on some level. They may reflect who I am as person in some way.

I also like making lists so I thought that this would be a good thing as well and I thought I would start with movies because this has gone through a bit of change of late.

For the longest time my favourite movie was The Usual Suspects, probably one of the best pieces of work by Bryan Singer and Kevin Spacey but this opinion has changed dramatically. Don’t get me wrong I still think that it is a great movie but I don’t think I could ever watch it again. Primarily because of the conduct of both Mr Singer and Spacey in recent years. I know it is kind of ridiculous that my opinion has changed because of the actions of the director and one member of the cast but I can’t help it. It is just the way that I feel.

So I am going to list my favourite movies. I doubt that any of them could be considered the greatest movie ever made and some of them probably have seriously bad reviews and it will probably be animation heavy because I like animation a lot. They will have every have something that made me feel something in some way or spoke to me on some level.

Also I know what my new favourite movie is and I am going to leave that one to last and if you have read any of my previous posts or have read any of my reviews on my other blog you might be able to work it out. All other movies in this list are not going to be in order and that will probably be what happens in most of these kind of posts I make. I will know what my all-time favourite is but everything else can swap and change.

This list will show I am very much a modern person as they are all released within the last 25 years and all bar two of them I saw in theatre and the only reason that didn’t see them in theatre was because of timing or I found the movie after the fact. Also these movies made the list because I have watched them multiple times and have yet to lose interest in them and remember them all fondly.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner Azkaban – Alphonso Cuaron (2004)

Since I am a huge Harry Potter fan I thought I should get my favourite movie of the series out first. Now I know this one is a little divisive as a lot of fans dislike this one but for some reason it is my favourite. It might not have stuck as true to the books as the first two did but it got the right ones and told the story and made it feel magical to me unlike some of the ones that follow, especially Goble of Fire, which by the way is my favourite book, though Azkaban is my second favourite.

The Upside of Anger – Mike Binder (2005)

Now this is one that might not be known all that well as it is small movie that probably didn’t get a lot of attention but probably should have. The story follows a middle aged woman, Terry Wolfmeyer (Joan Allen) and mother of four girls who believes that her husband has run off to Sweden with his secretary. She forms a relationship with her neighbour Denny (Kevin Costner) who is a retired baseball player and a fellow alcoholic. The movie has a strong female narrative with each of the female characters having a clearly defined and all the performances are great and believable.

Inside Out – Pete Doctor (2015)

The first of 3 animated movies and strangely enough the three that I have are all done in different production styles. Inside Out is the computer generated one from Pixar (naturally). This one made me cry but I think all three of my animation choices did, well that I can remember. It is a wonderful exploration of emotion inside the head of a preteen girl and how every emotion is important even sadness.

Just Like Heaven – Mark Waters (2005)

I have mentioned this movie in relation to the music and also because of Mark Ruffalo but it is also a favourite of mine and if it is on in my house I will always sit and watch it. It is a beautiful movie about love, loss and fate and it has and will always make me cry. The story surrounds two lonely people who are brought together in a very unusual way, one of them is in a coma and her spirit haunts the other.

The Avengers – Joss Whedon (2012)

Well I am a geek and this is the first of two super-hero themed movies that I have included in this list. I personally think this is the best out the Marvel movies and it is why it was on top of my Marvel Movie list post which admittedly I will need to update but will wait until after Infinity War Part 2 comes out and I have caught up as I have yet to see Ant-Man and the Wasp and will probably not see Captain Marvel in theatre as I am not interested and neither is the Eagle, though this opinion might change, there is time after all.

Wonder Woman – Patty Jenkins (2017)

If I was going to have a Marvel movie on the list I had to have a DC one and I was naturally going to go with Wonder Woman. It is the only movie on the list that I actually went to the cinema twice to see, opening weekend with the Eagle in Gold Class and again a couple of weeks later as a girl’s night with my mother and nieces. Though admittedly it does lag a little in the end with the revelation of who Ares is it is still my favourite of the DC movies so far. Try to beat it Aquaman!!

The Lion King – Roger Allers and Rob Minkoff (1994)

This is my favourite Disney animated movie and the most original of them all, though that is under debate I guess with some comparing it to Kimba the White Lion, which I can see as I remember watching Kimba as a kid. Being Disney Animation it has a wonderful soundtrack with music by Tim Rice, Elton John and Hans Zimmer.

Empire Records – Allan Moyle (1995)

Another movie with a wonderful soundtrack but then how could it not considering that the movie is set in a record store. It is a wonderful cast with a young Renee Zellweger, Liv Tyler, Anthony LaPaglia, Robin Tunney and my favourite Rory Cochrane. This is also one of the movies that I did not see in cinema and found it later on.

Dogma – Kevin Smith (1999)

I will happily admit that I am fan of Kevin Smith though admittedly it more for his personality and his podcasts than his actual directing ability, though his work with The Flash and Supergirl has been good. I think his early work is great and if I hadn’t chosen Dogma for this I would have gone with Chasing Amy. This movie is very funny and shouldn’t be taken seriously, but then I am not overly religious.

Drum roll please………………..

Your Name – Makoto Shinkai (2016)

Well is anyone really surprised that Your Name is now my favourite movie of all time. I have probably talked just as much about this movie as I have of Harry Potter or DC in posts in either of my blogs. Just about everything about this movie is perfect in my eyes. The visuals, the characterisation, the music. I actually have one of the songs in my head at the moment. I listen to the soundtrack most days and watch it at least once a week. This is the other movie I didn’t see in cinema but that was because of limited release, timing and I don’t think anyone would have come with me to see it.

I mentioned Chasing Amy and I guess you call that an honourable mention but I have one more that I debated about including in this list and that is another Mike Binder movie called Reign Over Me. Though it stars Adam Sandler it is one of his more serious turns and it a story of helping someone overcome great grief after the most horrible of tragedies.

 

 

Badger Sounds

 

I mentioned in my recent review that for BECK: Mongolian Chop Squad that I usually don’t pay much attention to the music when I watch movies or TV, unless of course it is part of the plot of the movie or show is musical in nature. With anime, for some reason, I do pay attention. I don’t know why, maybe it is because the first anime that I really go into as an adult was Cowboy Bebop and music does play a part in it  and that in turn makes me pay attention whenever I watch anime whether it significant to the plot or not.

That is not to say that at time the score or a particular song played in a show does not grab my attention. I remember going to see The Talented Mr Ripley with a friend and though the movie was good it was music that caught my attention more than Jude Law or Matt Damon’s acting. It was the same with Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban though I guess Harry is a little different than Mr Ripley as I am a big fan of the books and had seen the previous two movies. It was just something about the music that caught my attention this time and that hadn’t happened the first two times. Prisoner, by the way, is my favourite out the movies and probably my second favourite book.

Now I have already mentioned that I am already susceptible to music used in anime but I have to make mention of one particular anime that this really stood out to me. It is a movie called Your Name and the music was supplied by a Japanese rock/pop band called Radwimps. This is, in my opinion, an almost perfect movie with the story, animation and music all working together in tandem to make it so. I actually bought the soundtrack to this movie because I enjoyed the music so much and have used three of the songs from it as my Song of the Day (see below).     

Now let move on from soundtracks as at times it is not the score but a song that will jump out at me as it elevates the scene in some way and makes you think or feel. Most recently that happened with me when I saw Deadpool 2. I guess I should give a spoiler warning here but near the end there is a sequence where Deadpool “dies” and is reunited with Vanessa, who had been killed at the beginning of the movie. While this is happening a-ha’s Take On Me is playing though it is an unplugged version of the song. Just the combination of what was happening and the song had me crying. It stuck with me so much so that I woke up with it in my head and I used that version of the song as my Song of the Day.

I found Amos Lee the same way when his song Colors was played during a scene near the end of the romantic comedy Just Like Heaven and to this day I still cry at the end of that movie because of that scene and that song. I have since bought just about all of his albums. Just Like Heaven also made me take more notice of Mark Ruffalo and the world is just so much better with him in it. This of course takes me back to the reason why I am writing this post as he is also the male lead of Begin Again and I have the song Lost Stars in my head for the last week or so. BTW I also own the soundtrack to that movie as well.  

Song Of The Day

The Badger’s Earworm

We have all had it happen to us as some point in time. You hear a song somewhere or maybe you wake up with in your head and it just sticks and won’t go away. It can get annoying especially if it is a song that you don’t particularly like. I once had Let It Go from Frozen in my head for a solid week and it is not a song that I like all that much, a like even less now.

Well anyway I’m in that position at the moment. For the last three days or so I have had the song Lost Stars by Adam Levine or Keira Knightley, which ever you prefer, from the movie Begin Again in my head. I woke up with it and it won’t leave. It’s rather odd because I have not watched the movie or even heard the song recently. It is also not a song that you hear regularly on the radio, actually I have never heard it on the radio.

It is times like these that I wonder if the world or whatever is trying to tell me something. I recently just finished watching the anime BECK: Mongolian Chop Squad and there are things in that speak to me. There are also some similarities between BECK and the movie Begin Again as they are both about music and finding your path/passion, whether it for the first time (BECK) or finding it again (Begin Again). Maybe it is a little serendipitous that I started watching this show and hearing that song. Maybe I have to find my path or return to it.

Maybe it is just my anxiety talking though. I do have a review tomorrow and I have also felt a little jumpy lately and my headaches and neck pain has also been playing up.

It is has been a while since I gave a wedding update so here goes. I have been forced to change the date due to money though it might end up screwing me over as the celebrant that had lined up for the original date may not be available for the new one and I really wanted this celebrant to marry us. Not just because he was offering his services for free but because I know him and he knows me and I would feel more comfortable being married by someone that I already consider to be a friend.

The new date, however, works well as my eldest niece who is one of the bridesmaids will be 18 which means she will be legal and able to drink.

Song Of The Day

 

 

 

 

 

A Badger’s Doubt

For someone that prides herself on being decisive I am starting to doubt myself a little of late and it doesn’t help that these seeds of doubt are being put into my head by my mother and also the actions and/or non-actions of the Eagle. I am naturally talking about my wedding and I am wondering if I should marry him or not.

I am doing everything and though I expected to do all the prep work because he said right from the beginning that it was his job to show up on the day and that was it I was hoping for a little more assistance when it came to the expenses of it all. He did, after all promise that he would help when he could. Hell, my mother and his mother have done more when it comes to the financial side of things than he has, and neither of them have a lot of money either, especially my own mother.

He hasn’t so far. Look I know that he doesn’t have a job and that he is not getting all that much from his government payments but he recently did some jury duty in which he got paid a bit for and in which he promised me a least half of it. I didn’t see any of it and I really could’ve used some of it to pay for some items that I had ordered or was planning on ordering for the wedding.

It is not like he has a huge amount of general expenses. He doesn’t pay rent and though he does have a credit card, a mobile phone and a car he doesn’t have any other expenses as he claims to be living on toast, energy drinks and water, and one of those is free, and whatever he gets fed at my place. I still have to fork out for petrol money for him and I was told this week that I had to buy him a massage ball and a weight as his physiotherapist told him that he need it for his shoulders and back. He is also expecting me to buy him a hoodie when he finds one that is not plain and that is warm enough.

I myself am living on less then what he gets a fortnight from his payments due to my very tight budget and am assisting my mother when I can. He also tends to brag when he helps with expenses that occur that he doesn’t need to contribute too but maybe that is my badger humbleness coming out that I find that a little distasteful.

Maybe its jitters and all now that I have finally finalised my reception area and have the invitations ready and raring to go when the time comes to send them out. I also had a wedding dream last night that got me thinking about it more, especially the hair and make-up side of things that I actually got a quote in relation to it all. The price wasn’t bad but still I have no idea how I am going to pay for it….

 

Song Of The Day

Badger’s New Day

I have officially moved over to another department of the company I work for. I am still trying to find my feet to an extent mainly because I have not been given any real direction of what I am supposed to be doing here. I am just doing what I can with what I have been given really. Luckily there are few familiar faces so I am probably not as anxious as I could be considering I do not like change all that much.

On the home front my sister is in hospital (again) and the more that she uses the more gets violent. She assaulted her sometimes partner last week so much so that he needed to go to the hospital. My mother and the Eagle are sort of fighting at the moment and of course that puts me in a difficult position as I can see the point from both sides, ever the fence sitter that I am.

I have sorted out my ceremonial music (yay!!) but am still tinkering with reception music, well the entrance, first dance, cake cutting, last dance/departure that kind of thing. Not sure if am going to have a daddy/daughter mother/son dance as well as the Eagle is not a dancer and I am not sure whether or not I want to dance with my step-father or not. Not even sure I want to walk down the aisle with him. Might do a Meghan Markle and walk on my own or have my mother do it. Was considering my Uncle as he is also my god-father but my mother and the Eagle thought that was a silly idea.

Though I thought I had the ceremony/reception worked out I might not have now. My mother says the reception venue is too far away from where the ceremony is. I have done a google check on this and it is only 23 minutes while both my mother and the Eagle say it is around 40. So I have to find a venue that will do the meal the way that I want it closer. Might have found one too but it is a little more expensive and without alcohol but I still have negotiate that. The whole backyard BBQ may still be on the table though, fingers crossed.

My dress and shoes have been ordered along with a tiara. Was not originally going to have one but I liked Meghan Markle’s so much that I decided to find a cheap one that was in a similar style. Have also changed my mind in regards to the bridal party dresses. I have also ordered the ties for two of the groomsmen but am worried as I have not received them as yet despite ordering them quite a while ago. I have contacted the seller 3 times but have not had a response from them. I paid for them through PayPal and also contacted them also in the hope that I get my money back.

Song Of The Day

Relaxed Badger…Well Sort Of

It has been a week since I  returned from a wonderful trip though admittedly it didn’t happen without some drama both before and after the event. Two days before the cruise we got a called from the cruise liner asking if the mother’s wouldn’t mind giving up their cabins which had a balcony for another. As an incentive to do so we would be given half the cruise price back in ship credit and whatever that was not spent would be refunded back to us with a cheque. My mother agreed to it despite losing the balcony as she had no real money to spend while one the cruise. The Eagle’s mother also agreed to it a first but  chucked a hissy fit after viewing the replacement room claiming it to be too small. The room was bigger than mine and the Eagles and they pretty much had a larger balcony right under the captain’s area if they left the room and turned right.

She spent over an hour on the phone arguing with the cruise liner claiming that while she had told me yes that she had not agreed to it personally to them, as they had also called her and promised to call her back and then didn’t. She eventually left the ship losing her share of half the cruise price and promising to sue them. Apparently she has already given power of attorney to her brother, who is a bit of a conspiracy theorist.

It was probably for the best as I don’t think either my mother or even the Eagle would have enjoyed themselves all that much with her there. I probably wouldn’t have either but not because of her but how the other two were going with her being there.  According to the Eagle he thought that she was trying to find a way to back out of it anyway as she is claustrophobic and agoraphobic and the change gave her a reason to do so without it seeming like that was the real reason though she did inform the cruise liner of those issues when she was on the phone to them. She also pretty much took credit for the cruise in the first place when it was an idea that I put to her and that I fully organised.

Well any who. The cruise was great despite both my mother and the Eagle having sea sickness for the first couple of days, me losing my Fit Bit and tripping over in Sydney and losing the sapphire from my engagement ring. We found the stone however and will get it repaired but alas I am now without my ring. We drank, we ate, we made friends with other travellers and members of the crew in particular a wait staff at dinner and a couple of servers in the café. My mother was particularly taken with one of waiters at dinner. We saw several of the shows and my anxiety and headaches behaved themselves while on board.

Sydney was beautiful, but then it is hard for Sydney not to be, can you tell that I love Sydney. Airlie Beach was really pretty, despite the fact that we could not swim there due to jelly fish and crocodiles. The people were really friendly and my mother got a new hat, which she really didn’t want but needed, and a new pair of shoes, which she actually did need as the ones she were wearing were falling apart. Cairns was wonderful as we caught up with the Eagle’s brother and niece who took us up to Kuranda and Barron Falls. We had a lovely day of site seeing and family time. Port Douglas was a little disappointing as the Eagle didn’t get off the ship and me and mum went to an overpriced Wildlife Habitat that was in the process of being renovated where we fed kangaroos and wallabies and that was about it.

Mum was sick on the last day which was the rockiest day of the whole trip. We get home only to have my step-father, who was looking after the dogs and the house, proclaim that my dog needs to be ‘put out of her misery’ as she has allergies and bit herself so bad that she has lost a large amount of fur and the area is now infected. He also said that the house stinks but did no cleaning what so ever, did some gardening in which he got his mistress to help who pulled out most of my mother’s plants and then gave her boxes of chocolate that were given to my mother as birthday gifts and used up most of the petrol in my mother’s car and didn’t refuel. Oh and my sister is coming down off what she is on, has been listening to the mistress and is making threats of violence and is once again reverted to name calling that now includes me. She has left though only after we called the police on her once again.

So It back to the grind to me and the stress and anxiety of full-time work  in which I will be moving to another department very shortly though on the good side there are a few familiar faces in the new department, planning a wedding single handily with no money and trying to diet once more despite the last one not really working. Oh the Joy….

Song Of The Day

Cruising Badger

So I am going on holiday next week and it doesn’t involve flying anywhere which is a shame but I will be going on a big boat. That’s right the Badger, the Eagle and also their mothers are going a cruise. I have mentioned it before, I know, but it is finally happening and I am really looking forward to it.

The cruise starts off in Brisbane, then goes down to Sydney before heading up to the Great Barrier Reef and returning to Brisbane. The Eagle has a brother that lives in Cairns so hopefully they will be able to meet up.

 

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Things are starting to fall into place on the wedding side of thing though I had a bit of a freak out on Tuesday. The shoes that I planned to get were no longer available on the site I was getting them from. I also couldn’t find them anywhere else except for dodgy stores. I checked again this morning and changed the parameters of my search and found them on the site where all the dresses are coming from.

After stressing out last week about ceremony and reception venue possibilities I think I have finally came up with the locales, which both myself and the Eagle should be happy with. We still have to visit both the park we are getting married in and restaurant that we are having the reception but it is looking good. Still have no idea of where we are getting the money from but maybe, hopefully, fate or good karma or whatever was just waiting until everything fell into place so that it all could be paid.

Song Of The Day